Relationship in words
by Mrs.AddieMontgomeryShepherd
Summary: From A like Addie to Z like Zen - tiny OneShots for each letter capturing moments of Derek's and Addison's relationship.
1. A like

**Author's Note: You'll find something like a short summery for most of the stories under the titles. As always, I would love to hear your thoughts and if you have a word that fits Addison and Derek somehow and would like me to tell a story about it then just leave it in the reviews.**

* * *

**A**ddie

_ - Addison Adrienne Forbes Montgomery, M.D. has long since become a stranger to him, but Addie Shepherd never will. -_

Addie.

Addison.

Two names for the same person and yet they make all the difference in the world. Addison is professional, always on top of her game, a hot shot doctor. You will never see her crumble or jump through a loop with nothing but grace. Addison has become a complete stranger to him over the years. But during the most unexpected times, Addie will show up. Addie, his best friend, his wife, who's vulnerable and sometimes very geeky. She'll try to be strong, but eventually she'll come to him and cry, not ashamed of herself. He hasn't seen her in a while now, because Addison is present, but he knows that Addie will never become a stranger to him. After all those years, she still has a place in his heart.

* * *

**A**ddek

_ - People refer to them as the 'golden couple' among other things, but now they even have a shipper name. -_

The first time Derek hears the denomination is in New York during his second year in residency. He wonders about it, but soon the word is forgotten. Then, just after he and Addison performed a surgery together, he hears it again: Addek. This strange word keeps floating around the hospital and somehow always turns up in relation with him and Addison. One day, Derek decides to ask Mark about it – after all, Mark slept with half the hospital so he has a good insight in pretty much everything. While he waits for his friend at the nurses' station, Derek can't help but listen to the gossiping interns near-by: "Seriously, I hope he's gonna ask her to marry him. Addek are like the cutest couple ever." "Yeah, totally! Uh, and imagine how cute their children will be – I mean you only need to look at the hair to know that they'll be genetically blessed." "Hey, man.", Mark claps onto his shoulder. "Aren't you ever getting tired of hearing how hard everyone in this hospital ships you and Addie?" "They... what?" "Yeah, the attendings refer to you as 'the golden couple' and the interns just call you two Addek." As Derek tells Addison about this during lunch break a bit later, she just smiles and says: "I know. It's somehow sweet, isn't it?"

* * *

** A**dmit

_ - She's the first to say that she made mistakes but he has to admit that she's not the only one to blame. -_

There are two sides to every story, that's what Addison had said. To him, there had only been his point of view namely his wife cheating on him with his best friend. It's the greatest of all betrayals and he's not sure that her chasing him and apologizing over and over again will somehow change that or make him hurt less. Only when she starts to give up on him, it suddenly hits him. The long hours in New York, always sending Mark. Never listing, just saying: not now, Addison. Later, Addie, later. The indifference. Realizing that they're both equally to blame for the mess they created, he tells her so and for a moment actually believes that there is a way for them to survive this.


	2. B like

**B**ittersweet

_- If she had to sum up her relationship with Derek in only one word, her choice would be 'bittersweet'. - _

For so long, their story had been a fairytale. Prince Charming meets the geek-turned-princess on the very first day of med school and it's love at first sight. The big white wedding is just as they start to make a name for themselves and it feels like victory as they have now everything they ever wanted.

Well, almost. The only thing they have yet to achieve is the happily ever after.

But Addison and Derek aren't unfaltering. Their happiness is just as fragile as everyone else's and once they realize its crumbling, they can't stop it.

Kisses turn to tears and they fall apart.

When Addison hears their friends singing her love song years later, she can't help but look at Derek and remember how they used to be. It's something she hasn't done in a long time and most of her memories are poisoned by the bitter ending of their fairytale, but somehow the sweetness of each of them is still there and that makes her smile.**  
**

* * *

**B**est Friends

_- They didn't start out as lovers. - _**  
**It's spring break and because Bizzy doesn't use the country house (and because she don't care what her children are doing anyway as long as they don't make her look bad), Archer decides to throw a little party for his sister. The music is loud, the liquor seems to magically appear out of nowhere and by now, Addison is completely drunk but happy.  
She giggles about something Mark just said when her eyes land on - "DerekDerekDerek!"

Standing up is not a good idea, as she learns rather fast, because something seems to be seriously wrong with the wooden floor, causing her to practically fall into his arms.

"Heyyy!" she blinks at him from underneath her lashes. "Love you."

"You do?"

"Yeah... 'cause... yooou", she taps against his chest, "are my best friend in the whooole wide world."

He intertwines their fingers and smiles down at her. "You're my best friend, too, Addie."

She grins at him and gives him a sloppy kiss. **  
**

* * *

**B**aby doctor**  
**_-Don't get attached to the patients, that's easier said than done. -_**  
**  
"Call it, Montgomery."

Addison stares at the lifeless little form in the incubator and refuses to believe that the baby Richard Webber gave into her care died.

"No." She doesn't stop performing CPR.

"Addison, the baby is dead. Call. it."

The redhead sighs, removes her hand and looks at the clock. "Time of death: 5 a.m."

That night, Derek finds his wife curled up in their bed, crying. It takes him almost an hour to calm her down. When she finally stops sobbing and the tears make their way down her face silently, she whispers: "I messed up. The only thing I should do was making sure that the baby Webber gave into my care didn't die. And I messed up, Derek. It's dead. I'm not cut out for this."

"Addie..."

"Don't. I'm done. I quit."

With that, she turns her back on him and doesn't leave the bed for the next three days.

On day four, Derek gets her to listen to him long enough to explain that the baby under her care would have died anyway. Webber just wanted to teach her a lesson, namely what happens when you get too attached.

In the wee hours of day five, Addison is doing rounds in the NICU.

For the next 360 days, she refuses to speak to Richard Webber.

* * *

**Author's Note: You're welcome to leave some words as well.**


	3. C like

**Author's Note: Thanks to all of you who took time to review. And a special thanks to _Faith _and _xxLittle Black Dressxx_ for helping me build this section by giving me awesome words with c! By the way, you're not only welcome to leave some words but also to leave some introduction/summery like those I wrote under each title.**

* * *

**C**all

_- He told her once he'd always be just a phone call away. -_

Life in sunny L.A. is just as messy as in New York or Seattle, that much Addison knows. What she doesn't know, though, is how to react to the chaos her life has become. Nothing makes sense anymore; her best friend sleeping with her brother, her brother dying because of some freakin' _worms_ in his brain and refusing to let her ex-husband help him. Only when she thinks about said ex-husband, everything becomes a bit clearer. She knows how skilled he is and right now, she needs those skills. She needs someone to fight with her for her brother's life.

So, she does the only thing that makes sense. She picks up the phone and calls him.

"Derek.", she says, her voice hoarse, "Derek, I need you."

* * *

**C**heater

-_ At the end of the day, they're both cheaters. - _

Well, this is interesting, Addison thinks when she arrives at Seattle Grace Hospital. Richard Webber had warned her that there could be a ..._situation_, as he had put it, between her husband and some intern. Addison had brushed it off, but seeing Derek with this girl, she knows.

He has become a cheater, just like her. It seems like even now they're playing the same games, which sort of makes Addison sad but also glad. Now they're at least even. Maybe there is the chance that they can move on from this whole mess.

But first off, that perfect 12 year old who Derek seems to claim his girlfriend needs to know where her place is. So Addison walks up to her husband and the intern, a fake smile plastered upon her face and says to the girl: "Hey, I'm Addison Shepherd. And you must be the woman who's been screwing my husband."

* * *

******C**hinese take out

**-**_It has long become a tradition to not have turkey on Thanksgiving.-  
_**  
**It's been a long day and a night probably just as long is yet to come.

All Addison wants by now is an undisturbed hour.

Around her, people leave early to get home to their families before there's nothing left of the turkey anymore. Addison hasn't had turkey in... well, a really long time, because she neither has the energy nor the talent to cook. As usual, she has Chinese take out to celebrate Thanksgiving.

She's just about to start her celebration (even though there's nothing she's thankful for this year) in the unusual quiet cafeteria, when someone flops down onto the chair across from her.

"So far, my day has been crappy.", Derek, the last person she thought would want to have her company, groans.

"Isn't it your day off?", she asks the first thing that comes to mind because she's seriously surprised to see him here.

"Yeah."

"So, don't you have somewhere else to be like, I don't know, home celebrating Thanksgiving with your girlfriend?"

Derek snorts. "Meredith's way of celebrating is taking tequila shots at Joe's with Yang and Karev."

He looks at the white container in her hand. "Hey, you don't have to happen fried noodles in there, do you? And if so, care to share?"

She pushes the box over, together with one of the fortune cookies she just had to buy as if she had known he'd come by.

But somewhere deep inside she did, didn't she?

Because this, eating three times warmed up take out and reading their fortune, has been their tradition since med school and Derek had never broken with it.

* * *

******C**haos  
_-Tonight it's not the thunderstorm that leaves the biggest mess behind. -  
_He throws her out, right into the chaos created by nature. But Addison barely realizes that she's getting soaked and that she starts shivering because the chaos inside her is even greater.

People claim her to be brilliant, yet she slept with her husband's best friend – she can't believe it.

While her mind comes up with reason after reason for doing the unthinkable, giving her excuse after excuse she knows they'll all sound weak if he ever gives her a chance to explain.

No, not if. _When._ He needs to give her a chance, because this, them, AddisonandDerek, it's the only thing that ever really made sense. And now, amongst the chaos surrounding her, chewing at her inside, it's still the one untouchable thing.

They just... need to hold on.

Suddenly, someone grabs her and drags her back inside. Through tears and raindrops she can see Derek... and he's talking about leaving.

No.

No, no, no – he can't, he just can't, because if he does...

"We don't have a chance! If you go now, we don't have a chance!", her voice sounds high pitched; she's close to crying again, "If you go..."

He does.

He leaves and the world she has build for herself over the past years gets shattered into thousand little pieces.

* * *

**C**ompromise  
_-"We got successful, you and me. We got busy and we got lazy." (Addison Montgomery)-_

As much as she wants to blame Meredith Grey for her failed marriage, Addison just can't.

Because really, the intern is only the peak of the iceberg, as is Mark. The real problem is underneath the surface and it's called compromise. It started like so many other things as a small issue.

_It'll get late – don't wait up for me_, that had been one of their most used sentences when they started to make names for themselves.

Busy with their jobs, they became lazy at home.

_I love you_ soon became nothing more than an empty phrase; something to fill the growing silence with. The burning love they once had shared became a little flame, not strong enough to withstand the approaching storm.

When they realized what had happened to them, it had already been to late.

The storm was there.

Still, they stayed together. They held on, not so much because they were in love with each other, but because it was comfortable.

Their marriage was well-known territory, a safety net, and they were each others anchor.

Perhaps they could've overcome the Mark-issue if Derek had stayed that night and maybe they could have continued living their happy life of compromises.

But he didn't and then Meredith Grey came along, causing Addison and Derek to finally stop pretending.

* * *

**C**adaver

-_"Our eyes met over the cadaver and I knew I had to have her." (_Addie's love song)-

"Hey Derek, you know what today is? Cadaver-day!", Mark yelled as soon as he spotted his best friend near the door to autopsy. The red haired girl leaning against the wall a bit down the floor rolled her eyes, probably about to give him hell for being rather insensitive, but couldn't because their professor opened the door from inside.

While the students entered the room, some confident some... rather not, he gave instructions:

"Okay, we'll work in groups. Each group will cut open their cadaver and find out what the cause of death was. So... Bennett, Jackson, Jones – table one. Montgomery, Shepherd, Sloan – table two. Smith-"

"He smells.", Mark said as he walked over to the cadaver.

"He kinda looks like my favorite math teacher, Mr. Mulligan.", Derek looked down at the corpse.

"When you're finished remembering the good old days", a woman's voice said behind them, "And you stopped complaining, I'd like to make the first incision."

Both men turned around, seeing the redhead clad in surgical scrubs standing behind them.

Mark, not thinking she'd put herself to a whole autopsy, smiled smugly. "Whatever you wish."

Besides learning her name, both Derek and Mark also learned that Addison did not only look good but was brilliant, too. Derek thought she was easy to talk to and they hit it off right away.

When it came to determine the cause of death, they both decided to take a better look at the heart; throwing medical knowledge around as they bent over the cadaver. As it turned out, they had been right about the heart because it was - "The mitral valve!", they both said unison, looking up and directly into each others eyes.

Addison smiled, or at least Derek thought she was smiling, because those emerald eyes of hers whom had him the minute she looked at him, twinkled.  
He smiled back at her, and despite the fact that it was completely crazy, he suddenly knew that one day, she would be his'.

* * *

**C**hristmas  
_-Addison wasn't a big fan of Christmas until he came along and made her fall for it. -_

If you asked the Shepherd's about their favorite time of the year they'd say Christmas, without thinking about it first.

But for Addison, it hadn't always been that answer.

When Derek met her, she wasn't exactly what one would call a fan. According to her you should skip the holidays if you were able to.

Being raised by Bizzy and the Captain, her Christmases had never been aboutChristmas fair or baking cookies, no, they were about pretending to be a happy family saying their prayers in church when in reality, Addie and Archer didn't even know how to pray, their mother had had her fourth glass of gin by the time the mass started and their father had made it just in time from his fling of the week to the house of prayer.

So Addison spent her first Christmas away from Connecticut locked into her new apartment, reading until someone knocked onto her door.

It was Derek, all cheery, wishing her a Merry Christmas and inviting himself in.

Once he had seen the lack of decoration, she told him she disliked Christmas; something Derek wouldn't understand. But he made a promise to both of them on that very first Christmas they spent together, namely to get her to like the season. In order to achieve his goal, he took her to see the tree at Rockefeller Center. Seeing him, so in awe of the tree, so happy and willing to share this special moment with her, Addison couldn't help but allow Christmas to work its magic on her.

Soon the holidays she had dreaded became days spent at Christmas fair, drinking JuJu and taking long walks in Central Park.

So if you were to ask the Shepherd's about their favorite time of the year they'd say Christmas, and if you wanted to know why, well... because it simply is their season.


	4. D like

**Author's Note: D like dedication – this is for **_Caroline the poet, Loveandlearn, __xxLittle Black Dressxx _**and **_AddisonandDerek _**for helping me with this section by giving me great words. But this is also for all the other readers who enjoy reading this (and tell me so). Thanks to all of you.**

* * *

**D**erek

_- To the hospital staff, he's. Dr. McDreamy but she thinks she prefers Derek -_

When Addison came to Seattle, she hoped to find Derek.

Instead she found McDreamy, someone who looked like the love of her life but didn't act one bit like Derek. He lived in a trailer, for instance, and got up at the crack of dawn to go fishing.

Everyone at the hospital, Meredith Grey ahead, seemed to adore him.

Everyone but her. She didn't like McDreamy. But well, he wasn't fond of her either. Thanks to him she was known as the wicked witch from the east who destroyed Meredith's love story – but only on good days. The other days she was just simply Satan.

Today was one of those days. Her morning had started out rather nice, the people working under her seemed to slowly realize that she wasn't that evil. But then the gossip found its way into her wing and she learned that apparently Derek was acting strange.

Great, just great. Now the whole hospital would blame her for whatever it was.

Addison retreated into her office.

But she didn't find solace there for long because just a little bit later, someone barged in.

Looking up from her file, she saw - "Derek, what ..."

He silenced her with a kiss, to her utter surprise. When he let go of her, they stared at each other in silence. Addison was the first to break it by saying: "Who are you and what happened to McDreamy?"

He leaned his forehead against hers, whispering: "I don't want to be McDreamy anymore. I've never wanted to be McDreamy in the first place, I just... I want to be the Derek you used to know. I want our life back, Addie. I want..."

Now it was her who kissed him.

"We'll find a way.", she murmured against his lips, "We'll find a way."**  
**

* * *

**D**ivorce

_-__She's being a better person by setting him free, but who knew that saying good bye would be so hard?-_

Staring down on the blank line at the end of the paper, Addison pauses.

She knows once she has signed there, it'll be all over.  
Eleven years of marriage, nothing more than a brief period in her life.  
A period she thought would never end.  
She glances at Derek. He looks relieved and Addison wishes she could be more like him, happy to sign off on their messed up life.

But for her it's hard to say good bye.

Still, she agreed to do this, she wants to be the better person. She wants him to be happy even if it's not with her.

So Addison scribbles her name onto the line and sets him free.  
The same night, and the nights after, she invites Mark over.

It's wrong, she knows that, but at least it's not forbidden anymore. She's free, too, even if it's a freedom she never wanted.

With Mark, she can spent some blissful hours far away from reality.

But when he falls asleep, Addison lays wide awake, staring at the phone, wanting to call Derek.

Every night, she fights the urge.

Every night, she silently cries until she falls asleep.

* * *

******D**estroy  
_-When they crashed and burned, he left, destroying something in her. -_

Falling in love had been easy, way too easy.

Eyes meeting over a cadaver, a smile,an invitation to coffee – it had only been a matter of time.

Staying in love was easy, too, at least for a while.

They became the lovers who could finish each others sentences; a couple everyone adored.

Addison and Derek had it all, but maybe they rose too fast and too soon because eventually, they started to struggle.

He spent more time at the hospital than with her, sending Mark to keep her company.

The downfall officially began when she started sleeping with Mark.

Maybe it had always been only a matter of time before she would find herself standing in front of the ruins of their love.

But it's been years since they destroyed each other now. Plenty of time to pick up the pieces; to move on. Still, the scars are there and they remind Addison that she never wants to crash and burn again. Since Derek, she didn't, though. But she had never really fallen in love again, either.

* * *

******D**octor  
_-Women all over the world do it everyday, but to Addison this is her personal wonder. - _****

Calm down, Addison berates herself as she enters the ER, there is nothing you have to worry about.

Because really, there isn't. She's probably just about to fly solo for the very first time, but she knows what to do. Hysterectomy? No problem. Hysteroscopy? No big deal.

She's a hotshot doctor. She's -

"Hi. I'm Dr. Addison Montgomery.", she smiles at the woman, while taking her file from the nurse.

Oh.

Apparently no solo surgery for her today, just a simple parturition.

"So, Mrs. Smith – everything looks good so far. Do you want something against the pain? "

"No, I – oww, _Jesus_ – I'm good, thank you. Done this two times before."

"Shall I call someone for you?"

"My husband is already on the way."

"Okay, then I'll take you up to your room."

Addison retreats once her patient is settled, but ends up mooching in front of her room.

Just in case something happens.

But everything goes well and about five hours later, Addison delivers a healthy baby boy.

A huge smile spreads across her face as she looks at the perfect baby in her arms.

"He's beautiful.", she says beyond amazed as she hands him to his mother.

The evening finds Addison standing at the nursery's window, hands splayed at the glass, watching the babies.

"Hello, Dr. Montgomery."

"Hey, Dr. Shepherd.", she turns around to her fiance and kisses him.

"So, what's so important that made you page me seven times in the last ten minutes?"

Addison points at the little boy, still all smiley. "See the baby over there? I've delivered him today and it was... amazing. Simply amazing. He's my perfect little wonder. Derek, I think I want to stay in this field. I want to help people to their own perfect little wonders every day."

Derek encircles her waist and nuzzles his nose into her hair, happy that she's happy.

Together, they watch the wonder of life.

* * *

******D**ouble scotch, single malt**  
**_- "She's intense, intelligent, complicated. She's like a single malt scotch." _(Derek Shepherd)_-_****

"She's... intelligent. Yeah, definitely intelligent.", Derek says when Nancy asks him to describe his new girlfriend when they met up at a bar one evening.

"You mean intelligent as in she knows how to spell her name?"

"I think you're confusing me with Mark, Nancy-pants. I've never dated a girl who could not spell her name. No, Addie's like the go-to person for medicine. Whatever the professor wants to know, she has the answer immediately. I think she makes me a better student, because she studies hard and somehow manages to suck me into it.

I promise you'll love her. She's easy to like, even though Addie can be pretty complicated. Thinking about it, she's complicated all the times. It starts with finding the right shoes under hundred lookalikes and ends with her family."

"Have you met her family yet?"

"I know her brother,Archer, he's an ass. But not Bizzy and the Captain."

"_Whom?"_

Derek laughs. Yeah, Addison's family is a bit strange, he has to admit that.

"Heaven forbid that her children reveal her identity by calling Bizzy mum; to quote Archer. The Captain is Addie's father – she doesn't seem to like him very much."

"Complicated, I see. What else is she like?"

Looking at his glass, he can only come up with intense. She's strong in so many ways he can't even begin to describe, but he can say that the love they have is so intense he's surprised it hasn't already burned them. Instead, it warms them from inside, just like his single malt scotch warms his throat.

"And what does she look like?", his sister wants to know.

Pointing at the red and golden liquor in his glass, he says: "When she has just brushed her hair, it kinda has this color – but a bit darker, you know? More red than golden."

At this, Nancy snorts. "You did not just compare your _girlfriend_ to _scotch_."

* * *

******D**ye  
_-It's time for a change. And the first step is dyeing her hair.-_

Addison only wanted to buy shampoo, but ended up in front of the hair-dye.

She didn't know what made her do it, but when she left the store, she had bought dyer instead of shampoo.

When Mark came home the same evening, he had to take a double look.

On the couch sat a blonde Addison.

"What... what happened to your hair?"

She shrugged. "It was time for a change."

Mark sighed inaudibly. So this was still about Derek. First she forbid him to call her Addie, because Derek seldom had called her anything else, and now she was dyeing her hair.

"Thought you liked blondes.", she said.

"I do.", Mark admitted, "But I liked your hair. You're not a blonde, Addie- Addison."

"Well, now I am. You'll get used to it.", she stood up and went to bed.

Only, Mark didn't want to get used to the blonde he hated so much. He wanted the red back.

But the hair stayed blonde, until the day after the abortion when Richard Webber called and Addison found him in bed with that nurse. She was a redhead, by the way.

And Addie knew it was time for another change.

She was done being a blonde.

When Mark came home that night, the apartment was empty except for the used dyer on the kitchen table.

* * *

**D**ance  
- "_I never dance in public."_ (Derek Shepherd)-

"And here I thought you'd be the person to skip this party.", Meredith says as she meets up with her ex-boyfriend at the annual fund raiser for the hospital, "After all, you're supposed to dance here and if I remember correctly, you never dance in public."

"Funny, I thought the same about you", Derek answers, "And for the dancing part, well, I'd do it with the right woman."

As it turns out, the right woman arrives fashionable late due to her flight from Los Angeles, clad in a beautiful black dress which makes her hair look even redder.

Still, it takes a few drinks and a lot of hints from Mark, Callie and Webber before Derek finds the courage to go over and ask her for a dance.

For a moment, Meredith thinks Addison will brush him off, but the redhead takes Derek's hand and lets him guide her to the dance floor, where they melt into each other.

"I thought McDreamy doesn't dance in public.", Cristina says, flopping down onto the empty chair next to her person.

"Apparently she's the right woman.", Meredith replies, her eyes glued to the couple swaying gently to the music.

Tonight, Addison and Derek are picture perfect.

* * *

**D**iploma

_-Yesterday they were students, eagerly to learn. Today they'll graduate and tomorrow... Tomorrow they'll be on their way to become awesome doctors. -_

"Today, we're standing at the sill of a new life."Addison, who -as the one who graduates at the top of her class- has the honor to make the graduation speech, says, "In just a few minutes, we'll step over said sill and get our diploma, but before we do, it's time to look back.

In the past years, we didn't only learn a lot about medicine – we also learned a lot about life itself."

Her eyes linger on her friends, standing in the middle of crowd

"And of course how to survive on no sleep and lots of caffeine. I think with all this knowledge, we're steeled for the new life we're about to embrace. And I'm sure, whatever the future holds for us, it'll be absolutely amazing."

With that, she departs from the stage and heads for the crowd, where Derek is waiting for her.

"Great speech.", he murmurs into her hair and hugs her to him. He only lets go of Addison, when it's time for them to get their diplomas.

They party all night long at the Brownstone Derek and Addison got a few weeks ago and everybody enjoys it.

Still, Derek finds his girlfriend in the relative quietness of the kitchen, where she sits, staring at their diplomas.

When she finally looks at him, she smiles and happiness is radiating in waves off of her.

"We're doctors now, can you believe it?"

No, he can't, not yet. To him it feels like only yesterday that they started at Columbia, but well, it's been years. Only a few hours ago, they graduated and as of today, there will be an "M.D." behind their names. And whatever tomorrow will bring, Derek is as sure as Addison that it'll be nothing less then something awesome.

* * *

******D**oc**  
**_- People say a dog often has a lot in common with its owner – for them it means they both love shoes and hate the trailer. -_

"No, no, no – bad dog! These are 900 dollar shoes! Derek!"

Derek sighs, looking up from his news paper to see a familiar scene being played out in front of him: His wife chasing their dog through their yard after she caught him chewing on one of her beloved shoes.

"Doc!", he yells and the dog comes running. "C'mon, buddy, give me Addie's shoe."

The dog happily obliges and drops her shoe.

"Here.", he says, handing it to her, "Don't look at me like I ate it."

Addison shifts her gaze and glares at the dog. "Why does he always have to eat my shoes?!"

"Probably because he has a passion for them just like you do?"

For that, she hits him with the shoe.

When Addison comes home the next day, she finds Doc lashed outside. As soon as he sees her, he starts whimpering.

"Derek, why is our dog lashed outside?", she asks as she enters the trailer.

Her husband looks up from the crossword puzzle he was about to start and glares through the door Addison left open at the dog.

"Doc demolished the trailer. Took me the whole afternoon to clean it up."

Addison does her best to hide her smile. Even their dog seems to hate the trailer.

Maybe, she thinks, they'll get along even if he likes to eat her shoes.

But she won't tell Derek any of this.

Instead she says: "Uh... bad Doc?"

* * *

**D**runk  
- _"Because when your life is sucky, you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate men."_ (Alex Karev) -

Addison awakes with a start and realizes she's naked.

Uh... that's not good. Not good at all. In fact, this is really, really bad.

She glances at the other side of the bed... and sees her ex-husband.

Oh, no, she didn't -

Memories from last night, all foggy because of the amount of alcohol they had had, come back to her.

Apparently, she _did_ sleep with him.

Crap, she should've just left Seattle and gotten onto her flight as she planned to.

Because this, getting drunk and sleeping with inappropriate men, is not her style.

She just gets drunk... or calls Mark up.

Crap. She needs to leave, before Derek wakes up.

Addison goes searching for yesterday's clothes, before she leaves the trailer just as the sun begins to rise.

Derek turns around, watching the door close.

He's been long since awake, because Addison has the tendency to talk in her sleep when she's drunk.

He sighs and reaches for her pillow, which still smells like her.

Nuzzling his nose into the fabric, he inhales her scent, and remembers yesterday's events along with something she had said when came to Seattle:

_"I flew all the way across the country to reminisce over wedding photos, get drunk, fall into bed, and make you realize you can't live without me."_

Because that was exactly what had happened.


	5. E like

**Author's Note: A big thanks to _Faith, loveandlearn_ and _xxLittle Black Dressxx_ for the great suggestions. Also thanks to everyone else who takes time to read this and review.**

* * *

**E**nding

- _They never said good bye before because it meant that the end was near. And that was something they refused to accept. - _

For Derek, there have been three memorable partings from Addison.

There's the one at the end of their first date in med school.

He had just walked her back to her apartment and was halfway through "good bye" in front of her door, when she sealed his lips with hers before she said: "Don't say good bye. It sounds so much like a farewell. Let's just stick with... until tomorrow."

The second time was when he left their Brownstone in a stormy night, slamming the door in her face. Trying to not let her cries get to him and failing.

The last parting had just taken place a few minutes earlier, when she left for L.A.

They both had come to the hospital on the evening of the wedding-that-wasn't.

Addison, because she had one last surgery to perform and Derek, well, he simply didn't have somewhere else to be.

She leaned against the parapet, looking at the city through the huge windows.

"I'm leaving.", she said, once he had approached her, "Seattle is all yours now."

Finally turning around to face him, she continued: "I figured you should know, before Richard makes it official. And after everything we've been through, I feel like I owe you a proper good b-"

That was when he had pulled her into a bone-crushing hug.

"Don't.", he whispered, "We've never said good bye before, so let's not start now. Let's just stick with... until we see each other again."

She nodded against his chest, trying not to cry.

He had let go of her, probably for the first time ever and certainly for the last.

Watching her leave the hospital, he had known that this moment was their final farewell to a couple they once were. The good bye they had needed for so long.

From now on, AddisonandDerek did not exist anymore.

* * *

**E**nvy  
_- " My ex-boyfriend's wife looks like Isabella freakin' Rossellini, and I'm like ... me."_ (Meredith Grey) _- _

__Meredith envies her.

Because she looks like Isabella Rossellini all the time, and not even those ridiculous salmon scrubs can do something about that, while Meredith can wear as much lip gloss as she wants and still will never outdo her.

But also because she's a kick-ass neonatal surgeon with board certifications, and, well... she's married to Derek.

She has everything everybody always wants.

Addison is drop-dead gorgeous, a trust fund baby and she's smart. People all over the world want to get treated by her because she simply is the best.

She has a Brownstone in Manhattan and a house in the Hamptons.

Addie can outdo her in every way, except one.

Because she has the one thing Addison wants more than anything else.

Derek's love.

Addison envies her.

* * *

******E**levator

**- **_"It's just, where I come from elevators tend to be this kind of aphrodisiac, you know? People get on them and they just get all horny."_ (Addison Montgomery)-

****"Oh, you've got to be _kidding_.", Addison groaned as the elevator jolted to a halt – of course between floors.

There was like a whole wing of scared mothers-to-be and the elevator had to get stuck now. Angrily, she kept pushing the alarm button.

"Addison, stop.", Derek said from behind her; his very first words to her this morning, "I'm sure they've heard the alarm going of the first ten times."

She ignored him in favor of the technician whose voice came through the interphone, asking her what had happened.

"We're stuck between the third and fourth floor. Get us out."

"_Who's we?"_

"Derek and Addison Shepherd."

"_Ah, I see. Well, I'm sorry to inform you, but it will at least take us an hour-"_

"An HOUR?!"

"ADDISON!", Derek's hand slapped down onto the interphone, turning it off, "Stop shrieking!"

"Is that the She-Shepherd shrieking?", Izzie asked as she joined Alex and George in front of the closed elevator doors.

"Yup.", Alex said, throwing popcorn into his mouth, "The Shepherds are stuck in there. Have been screaming at each other for the last half hour."

"About?"

"Uh, you know, stuff.", George replied, "First he complained about her screaming, then she shrieked about the elevator, which somehow led to the trailer, then New York came up and of course Mark Sloan and that eventually led to-

"DON'T BRING MEREDITH INTO THIS!", they heard Derek yelling.

"_I_ SHALL NOT BRING HER INTO THIS?! YOU'VE BROUGHT THIS UP FIRST!"

"YES,BECAUSE _YOU_ SLEPT WITH MARK!"

"I WAS SCRATCHING AN _ITCH_, FOR GOD'S SAKE! BUT YOU GOT YOURSELF A _GIRLFRIEND_! I BET YOU'D RATHER BE STUCK WITH _HER_ THAN YOUR ADULTEROUS **  
**WIFE, _DON'T YOU_?"

"..."

"I _HATE _YOU!"

" AND I HATE _YOU!_"

"_FINE!_"

"_FINE!_"

Silence.

Like really long silence.

George glanced nervously at Izzie and Alex. "Uhm... they didn't... kill each other or something, did they?"

That was exactly the moment when the technicians had finally solved the problem, because the elevator's door opened... revealing the cause of the silence: Addison was draped all over Derek, kissing him feverishly.

Or maybe he was kissing her.

Anyway, they were kissing like there was no tomorrow.

"Interesting definition of hate.", Izzie murmured, trying to hide her smile while Alex made gagging noises.

"Gross.", he said loudly enough for the Shepherds to hear, "Go get a room!"  
The attendings parted, staring horrified at the interns and turning just as red as Addison's hair.

Eventually, Derek tugged on her hand, cleared his throat and stepped out of the elevator.

"Excuse us.", he said.

"Oh God, what are we _doing_?", Addison murmured into his shoulder, clearly embarrassed about the whole situation.

"Following Karev's advice, I'd suggest."

* * *

**E**leven  
_-"I was married for eleven years. Addison is my family. That is eleven Thanksgivings, eleven birthdays, eleven Christmases." _(Derek Shepherd)-

****It's been eleven years so wonderful and crazy it hurts to remember.

He does it, anyway.

Eleven years ago, they found their Brownstone around Thanksgiving, moved into it on his birthday and celebrated their very first Christmas as husband and wife together.

Ten years ago, Addison caught a cold on Thanksgiving, by his birthday they both had the flue and spend all day in bed but got called in on Christmas.

Nine years ago, they slept through Thanksgiving because of their night shift the day before; he got a solo fly for his birthday and watched her doing hers on Christmas.

Eight years ago, they spend 15 hours in surgery on Thanksgiving not coming right on time for his mother's dinner, made it up to her by showing up on his birthday and got really drunk on Christmas to survive Addison's family.

Seven years ago, it was time to see Addison's family for Thanksgiving but instead of staying four days like planned, they shortened their visit, which lead to them being on the road back to New York on his birthday and spending Christmas with his family.

Six years ago, they met Richard Webber on Thanksgiving, Addison missed his birthday because she had to stay with the dying infant Richard made her take care of, but they spend Christmas curled up on the couch drinking JuJu.

Five years ago, their fellowships had already started when Thanksgiving came, she threw him a surprise party for his birthday and on Christmas, they went to see the tree at Rockefeller Center.

Four years ago, the Hot Dog Thanksgiving took place. His mother broke her wrist and he made Addison cook the turkey, which ended with Nancy having salmonella, his mother hating Addison and him saving the day with Hot Dogs. She only forgave him on his birthday for that. In the early morning of Christmas Eve, they went ice skating.

Three years ago, Mark spent Thanksgiving moping around in their Brownstone because his girlfriend had thrown him out after he cheated on her, he was late for his own birthday party and Addison had to excuse him on Christmas because he just forgot about dinner with his family.

Two years ago, he missed Thanksgiving, spent his birthday at the hospital even though she had plans and never saw her on Christmas.

The year prior, he found her sitting in the rain in front of the trailer with Chinese food and kissed her, they went out on his birthday and on Christmas he told her he was in love with Meredith.

Eleven years as a family... gone.

Eleven Thanksgivings, eleven Birthdays, eleven Christmases... over.

This would have been their 12th year, but by Thanksgiving they were already divorced.

Today is his birthday and he spends it all alone in his trailer, getting drunk and remembering moments long gone.

What once was their season is getting closer each day, but he just doesn't want to think about it because Christmas without Addison...

It's just not Christmas.

* * *

******E**xplosion  
-_"That is not the she he was asking for."-_

__He looks around, his eyes scanning the crowd and damn -

"Where is she?"

She should be here by now, he heard that the bomb went off and _God_, please don't let her have been near it.

"_Where is she?"_

"She's right here.", Webber says, but it's not -

It's Addison.

With a pang he realizes he hasn't thought of her since the bomb went off.

But apparently, his wife had thought about him, because sorrow is written all over her face and it only vanishes, when she says: "Derek, you're okay..." and hugs him.

Addison may not be the she he was asking for, but he's nevertheless grateful to see her.

She's not the woman he's in love with, she doesn't drive him crazy anymore... but Addie is his constant, his solace, his safe place because she can be strong for him and just for that he loves her.

He hugs her tight; something she didn't expect because they haven't really done this in months, and lays his head onto her shoulder, drawing strength from her.

"It's going to be okay.",she murmurs and he hopes she's right. _  
_

* * *

**E**x

_- When it comes to her, everything else is forgotten in a heartbeat. - _

"Hey, Derek.", Meredith smiles, already in bed, when Derek comes home. "I haven't seen you all day."

"Yeah, well, Addison wanted me to go furniture shopping with her.", he says, sitting down next to her.

"Didn't the two of you do that yesterday?"

"We did, but Mere – you know Addie."

No, actually Meredith doesn't.

Sure, Addison has been around quite a lot since she left L.A. and came back to Seattle, but usually the ex-spouses meet up to rekindle their friendship when the resident isn't around.

At first, Meredith thought it was a good idea, after all Derek didn't have a lot of friends here.

"So I thought that tomorrow we -", Seeing the apologizing look in Derek's eyes, she stops mid sentence.

"I'm sorry, Meredith, but Addie-"

Of course, Addison this, Addison that – seriously, she seems to be _everywhere_.

Sometimes it feels like there are three people in this relationship.

But other times, this evening for example, all plans Derek and his ex-wife have are forgotten when Meredith reaches for him and kisses him. Apparently, she only gets the nights with him and she's intend on using them.

Tonight though, she has no such luck because his cell phone starts ringing and of course, he reaches for it, saying:

"Uh, sorry, Mere, but I need to answer this...It's Addie."

Of course.

It's always Addison.

* * *

**E**verything

_- She's all he ever wanted. -_

__"How is he?", the young woman wants to know, tears brimming in her eyes.

"Your husband is stable, Mrs. Petersen, but they're still working on him.", Derek says.

"Please, make sure he survives this, okay? He's not the greatest husband in the world and our marriage isn't in the best place right now, but I just... I need him to get through this.

He's the love of my life, my best friend, the one person who knows me inside out and the best thing that has ever happened to me. I want to spent the rest of my life with him, even if he has the habit of breaking my heart, because he's worth it. He's worth it all. So please save him, because to me, he's everything."

Facing the possibility of losing everything; it's a trauma they share.

The only difference between them is that Mrs. Petersen didn't chose to have her husband run over right in front of her, while Derek did drive the woman, who once mattered the most to him, away.

Or did he?

"We're doing everything we can, Mrs. Petersen. Someone will be out to update you soon."

He excuses himself shortly and leaves.

There is no time for more words of comfort; he suddenly needs to see Addison, needs to know that they're alright.

"O'Malley, where's my wife?", he barks, when he sees the intern coming down the floor.

"Uhm, I think she went to get changed for surgery."

Derek turns around and heads into the direction of the attendings' locker room.

Sure enough, there she is.

He doesn't say anything, just comes up behind her and presses her close.

She goes still in his arms, waiting him out on words that won't come yet.

He spins her around and lays his forehead against hers.

"We don't quit, right?", he murmurs.

"Right."

"Then tell me we're alright, Addie. Tell me you won't leave, ever."

She takes his face in her hands and emerald eyes meet blue once.

"I'm not gonna leave, if I can help it.", she tells him determined, "We'll be alright."

"Okay. Good.", he nods. Relieved. "Addie?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you. I've loved you, well, forever and I always will. I know, I haven't told you in a really long time, but – I love you."

"I love you, too.", she whispers, smiling and kisses him softly.

* * *

**E**ast coast

-_She's used to the hustle and bustle in New York, used to being woken by the honking of cars instead of birds. But here on the rainy west coast nothing is familiar. - _

__Spending most of her adult life in New York City, Addison is like genetically programmed to hate everything that's not Manhattan.

Still, Seattle seems to be nice enough. Quieter. Rainier. She may not like getting soaked (who does?), something that happens almost every day, but God invented stylish raincoats and wellington boots for a reason.

So far, Addison likes what she sees from the city through the cute little viewfinders on the ferry and through the windows of Derek's car.

What she doesn't like, though, is the no man's land they stop on.

Seriously, there's a whole city of apartment houses, but leave it to Derek to life in the middle of nowhere (knowing that his wife and nature don't do well together) in... a trailer?!

"You live in a tin can?"

"Yes, _we_ are. It's a great trailer, by the way."

She folds her arms in front of her chest and glares at the offending thing.

No way Addison Adrienne Forbes Montgomery-Shepherd is living in a tin can the seize of her shoe cabinet in New York.

"Stop glaring at it. You haven't even seen it from inside."

"I think I don't want to."

"Then stay outside. I'm sure the bears would like to meet you."

So maybe living in trailer is more appealing than being eaten by bears and whatsoever is running around here.

She peaks into the trailer... and comes to the conclusion that she first off liked her hotel very much and secondly misses her city on the east coast already.

* * *

**E**nough

_- __There's something to be said about a glass half full. About knowing when to say when. It's entirely up to the individual. And depends on what's being poured. Sometimes all we want is a taste. Other times there's no such thing as enough, the glass is bottomless. And all we want, is more. _(Meredith Grey)_-_

__There is no such thing as enough. People always want more.

More love.

More time.

More.

The more you give, the more you get, that was what Addison had thought about love.

To her, love never ends.

Never enough time, that was what she had learned recently.

Addison had always thought she and Derek would have enough time for themselves. Later, of course, when they had lived their lives as doctors.

Her train of thought was wrong, she realized that when she starred at Meredith Grey's panties in her hands.

She loves Derek, with everything she has, but this...

It's enough.

Addison can feel herself breaking and she just can't take it anymore.

As hard and hurtful as it is; as much as she doesn't want this - it's time to say when.

* * *

**E**lsewhere  
_-"Remember when we went to the one place?"_(Addison Montgomery)-

Addison doesn't remember a time when she wasn't greeted by silence.

Derek doesn't remember a time when his wife had been really happy.

However, they both remember a place where happiness and communication had come almost naturally to them.

It wasn't in New York, definitely not in Seattle, it was... elsewhere.

A place with a big bed and sheets; oh, the sheets, room service and a fireplace.

It was also the last place where they just had been AddisonandDerek, you know, before the indifference and the affairs.

He takes her back there, to the place with the bed, away from prying eyes and gossiping nurses whom have analyzed their marriage without even knowing the persons in it.

He takes her back there, because it's the only place in the world where they can start picking up the pieces and remember what made them AddisonandDerek.

* * *

**Author's Note: Some words for me?**


	6. F like

**Author's Note:**

**The biggest of all thank you's to _Faith, Loveandlearn, AmyHale _and _AddisonandDerek _for giving me so many words. Also thanks to all the readers. Remember, you all are very welcome to leave words and suggestions for stories.**

* * *

**F**orever

_- "From every day until eternity." -  
_Maybe they got married to young, Addison muses. Almost twelve years ago, people told them to not do this to themselves, they would only end up divorced. There was so much life left to live before being tied to one person for the rest of it.

But for Addison and Derek, the rest of their lives couldn't come fast enough.

Why wait for _forever_, when you can have it now?

But the thing about forever is – it doesn't exist. So even though he promised her from every day until eternity, their love story ended after almost fifteen years.

Maybe, she thinks, that's the closest you come to eternity: you'll have a few good years before everything is ripped away from you in just the blink of an eye.

Whatever.

The only thing she's sure of right now is, once she goes inside the lawyer's office, "forever" will be over.

* * *

**F**ormality  
_- It's something they never wanted to become, yet it's all they are. -  
_

There was a time when they were so crazy in love they couldn't even go ten minutes without the other.

With a love like that, they never thought they'd end up like this – a meaningless kiss on the cheek, a smile here and there, hollow words.

They had become formal towards each other.

Even after their divorce, Addison and Derek kept this attitude.

An acknowledging smile in the elevator.

"Hello, Dr. Shepherd."

A nod.

" ."

No screaming, no fighting, nothing once the papers were signed.

It was like they never loved at all.

* * *

**F**isherman

-_If he wanted to be a wood-chopping, flannel-wearing fisherman, than she could be his wood-chopping, flannel-wearing wife. -  
_"I'll go fishing.", he says and is already halfway out of the door, when she calls after him:

"Wait, I'll come with you."

He's momentarily stunned (as is she.)

Because, this is _Addison_. Addison, who refuses to come even near a trout.

"You... what?"

"You heard me.", she says, rummaging through the trailer, no doubt in search for the right shoes.

"But... you hate fishing."

"So? I also hate living in the trailer and still, I'm here. Besides, our therapist said we should spend some quality time together. Can't do that when we're on different parts on the land, can we?"

She emerges the trailer and Derek has to admit she's the only woman he knows who can look sexy in wellington boots, a too long rain jacket and a hat whose color is fading.

"Why fishing, Addie? Why don't you just... I don't know, make me do something else with you."

She raises her eyebrows. "You suggesting..."

"Addie..."

"Right. Well, for instance, you like fishing. And I know you've become a flannel-wearing, wood-chopping fisherman and I, uh, all I can do is trying to get to know the new you. Become your flannel-wearing, wood-chopping wife – uhm, actually, scratch the wood-chopping. As much as I love you – I'm not going to do that."

He thinks about her words for a moment and then takes her hand. "Let's go."

"I don't think I can do that.", she declares, frowning at the fishing rod he has given her and then at the worms next to him.

He laughs. "You perform complex surgeries for a living. I think you can manage fishing."

But he comes over anyway, getting her fishing rod ready before he positions himself behind her.

"You have to do it like this.", he says, casting the fishing line into distance.

"And now?"

"Now we wait."

She leans back against him, closes her eyes and holds her face into the sun.

He kisses her cheek and murmurs into her ear: "So... flannel-wearing, wood-chopping fisherman's wife, huh?"

"Yeah..."

* * *

******F**orgotten

- _"Just remember who I am in the morning_

_You're losing your memory now "_ ('Losing your memory', Ryan Star) -

"Do I know you?"

This simple question breaks Addison's heart.

She thought she knew how it would feel when he forgot her, after all he done that back in New York.

But she had been wrong – in New York, he had forgotten _about _her, just never _her_.

"Because I think I do. Know you. You kinda remind me of my wife. Addison Shepherd. Have you seen her?"

She half smiles, trying not to show him how much his questions hurt.

"Not in ages. Tell me about her."

Pure love shines through his eyes while he relives their past and tells the story to a reputed stranger.

When Meredith called and said he had Alzheimer's, she knew that the morning would come when he would look at her, not knowing who she was.

It hurts. It hurts so much and there's nothing she can do but listen. Listen as long as he remembers who she used to be.

"She sounds... pretty awesome, your wife.", she says, when he pauses, "And she seems to love you very much."

* * *

**F**uton couch

_- "Addison had a very ugly, very heavy futon couch."_ (Derek Shepherd)-  
"I _hate _you!", she screams and slams their bedroom door shut.

Derek sighs, but doesn't make an attempt to follow his wife. Would be a mistake anyway, because the last time he tried to go after her, she had thrown a shoe at him.

He turns around and eyes Addison's ugly futon couch, which she insisted on having in their apartment when they moved in together.

Now he's glad she did, because apparently this is where he's going to spend the night because there's no way in hell she'll let him into their bedroom, before he... huh, she probably wants him to apologize, but there's nothing he remembers doing wrong.

Hell, he doesn't even remember what made them fight in the first place.  
Derek sighs again and retreats to the couch.

Despite it's probably the ugliest thing in the world, it's rather comfortable. Still, sleep won't come.

He tosses and turns all night, trying to find the right position and all the while missing Addison.

At some point, though, he must have fallen asleep, because he wakes up when someone nudges him.

"Scoot over.", Addison says, "I think I don't manage to fall asleep without you anymore."

He just opens his arms for her to snuggle into.

* * *

**F**ate

_-Maybe they were destined to end up together. -  
_Out of 606 people trying to make their M.D., they end up dissecting a cadaver together.

They are also the only couple among their friends who get accepted in the same program.

Of course he's the only one who takes a chance on operating her brother.

After that Addison knows it's always been Derek for her. She realizes there was never a chance for her to fully move on. She could fall in love as often as she wanted, but it would never come close to the love she had lost forever.

Or did she?

Because years later, when her practice is forced to close its doors forever and she heads back to the Big Apple, which has 8.175.133 people she can literally run into, she runs into him.

* * *

**F**antasy

_- It's a dream coming true. Or was it never more than a fantasy?-  
_When Addison was a little girl, she used to dream about a prince who would come and save her from this uptight and WASPy life she had been born into. He would be tall and all dreamy and he would live in a castle far away from Connecticut.

"Oh, Addison, my dear. Where do you have your head?", Bizzy used to say, "Prince Charming only exists in fairy tales."

As Addison grew up to become a band geek with braces and a terrible lisp, she started to believe in her mother's words.

There wasn't a Prince Charming in the cards for her – only Skippy Golds, whom certainly wouldn't save her. So, she had to do that herself.

She studied hard, grew out of her braces, stopped lisping and got herself into med school.

When she stood in front of the Columbia the very first day, Prince Charming was nothing more than a memory, safely locked away until, well, until she saw him.

He was tall, had great hair and the bluest eyes Addison had ever seen. It was real-life Prince Charming. But then she blinked and he was already lost in the hundreds of people heading for the doors.

She shrugged.

Must have been some sort of hallucination, she thought, nothing more than a fantasy.

* * *

**F**amily

_-"I was dead for three minutes." (Amelia Shepherd)-  
_Doctors are not supposed to treat their family members, Addison knew this.

Because they're not objective.

But when the paramedics rolled little Amy, who has stopped being little a long time ago, into the ER, Addison learned that you don't need to be family to not be objective.

It was her, who froze at the sight of Amy gasping for her last breaths on that stretcher.

It was Mark who paged Derek and Derek who brought his sister back to life after...

After how long?

Time was stretching and Addison had lost track of it long ago.

She had been Amy's silent guard since the girl was admitted to the hospital.

Hadn't left her side since her heart started beating again.

And Derek had stayed with Addison ever since. If it wasn't for her, he would have walked away from the pain Amelia had brought over him, because that was the way he usually dealt with it.

So unknown to them, they supported each others through the darkest hours of their life, being strong and standing tall when the other couldn't.

Because that is what families are for, aren't they? _  
_

* * *

**F**ight  
_- They get onto each others nerves all the time, but the making-up-part is always worth it.-  
_

"Cristina, _don't_ you dare -", Izzie hissed, but the other intern had already snatched the file off of Baileys hands.

"-to steal my case."

Cristina grinned. "Good luck with the hateful married couple." And off she was.

Watching her interns interact, Dr. Bailey rolled her eyes.

The hateful married couple, so that was it what the kids called the Shepherds nowadays.

A rather lovely name, considering the Shepherds attitude towards each other.

Since yesterday, the couple had even stopped speaking to each other and you could literally feel the temperature drop when they where in a room together.

It had to stop.

Dr. Bailey wasn't one to interfere with other people's love life, but this was enough.

So she took it upon herself to do just that and walked up to the hateful married couple, standing on either sides of the nurses station.

"Dr. Shepherds. I'm usually not interested in other people's love life _unless_ it interferes with work.

_Yours_ does. My interns call you the hateful married couple _and _steal each others cases in order to not work with the two of you. It has to stop. _You_ have to stop that. For two adults, you both can be so childish."

Addison tried to protest: "Dr. Bailey, we -"

"Shht. I don't care, just – go. Scream, tear each others head of – whatever. _Solve this_."

"Did you just _shush_ me?! Did she just-"

"Yes.", Derek said and grabbed his wife's arm, "As a matter of fact, she did. Come on."

"Derek, keep your hands to yourself!"

"No. Bailey's scarier than you, which is why we are going to listen. _Come on_."

He dragged her with him to the next On Call Room.

"Where's the She-Shepherd?", Cristina demanded to know. "Burke wants a consult."

Izzie shrugged. "Haven't really seen her today."

"But aren't you supposed to work with the hateful married couple today?"

"Actually, _you _are."

"Oh, shut up, Barbie. Where's-"

That was the moment the door of the On Call Room opened and Addison stepped out, trying to redo her disarrayed hair. Derek followed her closely.

"What have you got for me, Dr. Stevens?", Addison asked, all business.

"Uh.", Izzie stammered, astonished, " Dr. Burke wants a consult and... I'm sorry, but is everything okay between you and Dr. Shepherd."

"No.", Addison said, " I still hate him."

But she smiled at her husband's retreating figure.

* * *

**F**orest

_-__'I didn't leave a Central Park Brownstone to live in the forest' __-  
_"I want you to move out of the hotel."  
Addison raised an eyebrow at her husband.

"And where should I live _if _I were to leave the Archfield?"

"With me."  
"Ha, no. I didn't leave a Central Park Brownstone to live in the forest in a freakin' _trailer_ because my husband is having some kind of midlife crises and thinks being a fisherman is cool."

Derek sighed. Why did she always had to be so … complicated?  
"Okay, first off: I'm not having a midlife crises, Addie. And secondly: It's a great trailer. At least come and see it."

"Are you asking me out on a date in the trailer?"

"...Yes."  
She thought about that and shrugged. Looking at it wouldn't hurt her.

"Okay, then. But afterward I'm free to hate it?"  
"_If_ you feel like hating it."

(Of course Addison ended up hating the trailer – but only when she discovered that hot water seemed to be a rarity the morning after their date.)

* * *

__**F**ireworks

_-It's a treasured memory she revisits every year on the 4th of July - _

Addison lays on a deckchair just outside her beach house in L.A.. It's the 4th of July and the annual fireworks have just started.

She looks at the exploding firecrackers, enlightening the sky with their colors.

It's a well-known event, as it is something she experiences every year, and yet it's different.

The 4th of July used to be a happy day spent on the beach.

She had been on the beach all day, like she used to, but there was just a sad touch to it.

Had been since her divorce.

Addison closes her eyes; maybe she can recreate the spirit of the 4th of Julys she had with Derek in the Hamptons, if she just listens to the exploding firecrackers and the waves.

It almost works, she can imagine the Hamptons' beach already, but of course this is when her cell phone rings.

Blindly, she reaches for it.

"Yeah?"

"Addie, hey."

"Derek? Well, that is a surprise. Why are you calling?"

She can hear the smile in his voice as he says: "Do I need an emergency case to call you?"  
Addison smiles as well. "So you just missed me, then. It's okay. I miss you, too."

And for a moment, the treasured memory of the Hamptons becomes reality again.

His voice doesn't come through her cell phone anymore, instead it feels like he's laying down next to her, all the while talking about his day like he used to.

She doesn't hear the words because she concentrates on his voice so near it feels like she just has to reach out to catch his hand.

However, Addison isn't doing that. To big is the fear for the memory leaving her alone in the enlightened night.

But someone brushes their thump over her cheek, causing her eyes to snap open.

Derek is _here_.

* * *

**F**lirt

_-Every exchanged smile is a flirt, every look a kiss. -_

She can feel his eyes on her back, again.

It's the gaze of a secret lover, wanting the world to know how much he loves you, but being unable to because you just won't let him.

Oh, but she wants the world and him to know how much she still loves him.

But Derek got himself a girlfriend and this silent love affair, where she baths in looks as soft as kisses, is not fair to Meredith.

Addison knows she could stop this; should do it before something happens, because seriously – these things never end well.

Still, she won't, because Derek finally sees her.

"You rang, Dr. Montgomery?", he says from behind, standing just a little too close to be appropriate.

Addison turns around, looks at him from underneath her lashes and smiles.

A smile, a laugh; this is their way of flirting nowadays, sometimes a sentence whispered in a husky voice.

"I did, actually. I have a baby upstairs you should look at. And Derek -", Addison lowers her voice, " Stop undressing me with your eyes so we can at least _pretend_ to be professional around each other."

* * *

**F**ear

_- One day he'll be the reason for his greatest fear becoming reality. -  
_As Doctors, they have to face worst case scenarios every day. Even if they do everything they can, people lose their lives.

It scares him how easy a life can end. He's not scared of his own mortality, he's scared that one day he could face the possibility of losing Addison.

Addison _is _his life and if she goes, well... he wouldn't know how to face the world without her.

After a rough day he tells her exactly that between begging her to never get ill, or getting run over by a car or generally dying before he does.

She promises and it's a promise she can keep, because it's not an illness or death itself that rips them apart, letting his greatest fear becoming reality.

In the end it will be him and his indifference that drive her away.

But of course he doesn't know that when he makes her promise.

* * *

**F**erry boats

_- He has a thing for ferry boats. So does she.-_

"I can't believe that he still has the old thing.", Addison says, referring to the scrub cap with the ferry boats, when she enters the gallery at one of her visits to Seattle to watch her ex-husband operate.

"He has a thing for ferry boats.", Meredith, the only other watcher, says.

Addison smiles slightly, not looking away from Derek.

"Yeah, I know. Has he ever taken you to a ride?"

"No."

"Huh. We used to do it quiet often back in New York, you know? Before we had the Brownstone, we had to take the ferry to get to the hospital. It was always a bit hectic, but I still loved it."

The redhead fixes her eyes on the scrub cap with the ferries. "You know, I think I gave that one to him on a ferry, just before he was to fly solo for the first time."

"I heard about that op.", Meredith says, "He told me that he still believes he made it because of the scrub cap. It's been his lucky one ever since."

What Meredith knows about the scrub cap is only part true.

When Derek was performing his first craniotomy, he didn't made it just because of the scrub cap with the ferry boats.

He made it because of the person who gave it to him; someone who watched over all the steps he did just like she does know.


	7. G like

**Author's Note: I have been a bit busy lately, but here it is. A big thanks to all the readers and a special thanks to _AmyHale,loveandlearn, xxLittle Black Dressxx _and _AddisonandDerek._**

* * *

**G**rey's Anatomy

_- She could have lived without seeing that scene. Seriously. -_

__The days are too long and the nights too short and all Addison wants by now are a few hours of undisturbed sleep.

God bless the person who gave On Call Rooms to tired surgeons._  
_Karev sees his boss of the day head in the direction of a certain On Call Room she better doesn't enter and shouts: "Dr. Montgomery, you seriously shouldn't -"

But Addison doesn't care what her cocky intern thinks she should or shouldn't do. She's way too tired and Karev is way too unnerving. If he wasn't so talented in her field, she would've gladly given him to Mark long ago as they are a perfect match.

But the scene that plays out in front of her eyes as soon as she opens the door, well... she seriously could have lived without seeing that.

Addison has not really entered the room, when she already turns back around and slams the door shut, all flustered and as red as her hair. God, why can't people just simply _sleep alone_ in these rooms?

Alex smirks and she thinks that maybe he's not always so unnerving.

"Tried to tell ya.", he grins.

"Shut up."

Callie, who's just returning a chart and heard the last part of their conversation looks at Addison.

She raises an eyebrow and says: "Hey, everything alright? "

Addison shakes her head. "I've just seen more of Grey's anatomy then I ever planned to."

* * *

**G**uilt

_- He knows that this is wrong, but for God's sake... it's **Addison.**-_

__After their divorce he thought they were over, him and Addie.

But no, it's not, not with her. Addison is intoxicating, so how could he think this was going to be easy?

Maybe because it was, at first. Staying away from her. Hating her and loving Meredith.

Things with Meredith are easy where things with Addie weren't. Still... it's not enough.

Derek misses her and he knows he has messed up. So he does the only thing he can do – reaching out to her and calling a truce.

Since that day she's back in his life.

At first it was a bit rocky, their friendship.

But as time went by, they came closer.

And closer.

And started to … do things. With each other. Things that are completely wrong because he has Meredith waiting at home.

He turns around and watches Addison's sleeping form. Picks up a strand of hair, illuminated by moonlight.

They're in too deep, he knows that, and so does she... but still, the guilt won't come.

Because this, _them_, will always feel right.

* * *

**G**odfather

_**-** The baby is precious and not only to her parents. - _

Night has come when Mark Sloan slips into the hospital's nursery. Most of the babies are asleep, but _she _isn't. Derek's and Addison's little girl, who still goes by the name "Baby Girl Montgomery-Shepherd", looks at him with her father's blue eyes like she knows him already.

"Hey, precious.", Mark coos and lets the baby wrap her tiny hand around his finger.

"Look at you. One day you gonna look exactly like your mother. You even got her nose, be thankful for that. Except your eyes, baby girl. That's all Derek. Hit the genetic jackpot, didn't you, kid? See, you even got your father's smile. You'll become a real heart breaker. But you'll always be loved, little one.", he smiles down at the baby, "By your parents... and me. I'm your Uncle Mark. Well, not officially, 'cause I'm not related to your parents. And I probably won't be your godfather, because... let's just say, the three of us aren't exactly on speaking terms. I've made a mistake, baby girl. A huge, huge mistake. And I'm going to make sure that you won't ever do what I did. But I promise you, I'll always be there for you. No matter what."

"You're not corrupting your goddaughter already, are you?", Addison's soft voice asks from somewhere behind him.

He turns around, staring at the Shepherds whom have silently come in.

He had seriously expected them to throw him out of the nursery, but apparently they won't.

They're just standing there, hands linked, waiting for a reaction.

And then it sinks in.

Goddaughter.

He grins like an idiot.

So they did forgive him after all.

"Actually I was just telling her that she kicks the other babies butt's already."

"That she does.", Derek says, just as his daughter starts fussing. "Go on. Hold her. She likes having attention."

* * *

**G**od

-_"I need you to be a God. Just today, be a God." _(Addison Montgomery)_-_

Derek learned rather fast that Addison could bring out the best and worst in him.

They are divorced now, and he has Meredith, but Addie still holds that power over him.

And she's going to use it: "I need to believe that, uh, you can do this. That you can save my brother. I need you to be a God, just today, … be a God."

He can still hear her words when she has long since left him to ponder over Archer's scans.

Addison came because he was the only person in the world who possibly could do it.

The one person she thought would at least give it a shot.

Derek sighs.

For her, he would do his very best and if that included her needing him to be a God ...

Then he would be a God.

* * *

**G**ame

_-They never realized what they were risking. - _

Every day, Addison and Derek are on top of their game.

The goals are easily reached, medical high scores are rewritten and the stakes constantly raise.

But that's okay, because they know how to play and it's only a matter of time before they become the very best in their fields.

The King and Queen of the hospital. Rock stars in the OR.

But the higher you rise, the further you fall and then there is a price to pay.

Once Derek and Addison realize that this game's price is their relationship, there is nothing they can do about it, because they have already been dealt in.

* * *

**G**un shot wound

_- She thought the day she got divorced was the worst. Turns out she had been wrong. - _

__She should not be here.

Addison was supposed to be in sunny L.A., taking long walks on the beach or watching the surfers or whatever.

But she should not be here, next to him, facing Gary Clark and his gun.

And she shouldn't be the one pleading with their hostage taker on Derek's behalf, having the gun pointed at herself.

That's not right.

Not her life for his.

"Addie.", he murmurs, "Step back."

"No.", she says firmly, locking eyes with him.

But that is the mistake.

As soon as she has lost eye contact with Gary Clark, the gun shifts.

A shot, so piercing it will haunt Addison in her nightmares, echos through the almost empty hospital.

The bullet seems to find its way into Derek's chest in slow motion, yet there is nothing she can do, just drop onto her knees when he's already down.

His vision gets blurry and Derek knows he's dying, but he also knows that he's not alone.

He can feel her hand on his cheek.

There is so much he needs her to know; so much left to say.

But her name is nothing more than a faint whisper leaving his lips.

Still, Addison seems to hear him, because when her face gets closer and her hair becomes a red curtain, protecting them both from the world around them, he can hear her say:

"Don't you dare to die on me, Derek Shepherd. I love you. You hear me? I. Love. You."

Her words are everything that matters in this cold hospital floor.

When he can't fight anymore and his eyes fall shut, he realizes that she's still everything that matters.

Because the life he sees before his eyes?

It's the one he had with her.

* * *

**G**uest

_- "Be my guest.", she says, already ordering a drink for him. - _

__It's a lovely wedding reception, the bride and groom look wonderful tonight, but Derek's eyes are trained on the redheaded woman sitting all by herself at the bar.

When the music starts, he sneaks up behind her and lightly places his hand on her bare shoulder.

She shots a glance in his direction and smiles.

"Derek. You joining the club of pathetic people?"

"Because Meredith broke up with me? No. I'm just trying to flee from all those women at my table wanting to feel me up."

Addison glances in the direction of Derek's table and raises an eyebrow.

"Doesn't seem to work, though.", she says, "One is on her way over."

"Damn.", Derek sighs, "That's why I hate attending weddings on my own."

As an afterthought he ads: "Hey, can't we be each others plus one for a moment?"

"Be my guest.", she says, already ordering a drink for him, while Derek sits down next to her.

"Who would have thought? Mark, who's like the biggest man whore on earth, is getting married.", Addison muses, once his drink has arrived, "And we're divorced. Twice, in your case. What a strange world."

He looks into her emerald eyes and silently agrees.

Not so long ago, they would have laughed at anybody telling them that while Mark would find his true love, they would fall apart.

"Well, let's hope the world doesn't get strange for them.", he raises his glass, "To Mark and Lexie."

She raises hers as well and repeats: "To Mark and Lexie. Let's hope they're not going to make our mistakes."

The music changes to a well-known song and Derek holds out his hand.

"For old time's sake?"

Addison allows him to guide her to the dance floor.

The evening finds Mark watching his two best friends.

Seeing them dance, Addison's hands clasped behind Derek's neck and his' on her waist, makes it hard to believe they haven't been together for a long time now.

When everyone looks at Lexie, who's about to throw the bridal bouquet, Mark's eyes are still trained on the Shepherds (because to him, they'll always be an item, married or not).

Derek spins Addison around so that she's facing Lexie, but keeps her in his arms.

He murmurs something into her ear, which makes her not only laugh but also hit him gently, before she snuggles deeper into his embrace.

And then, out of nowhere, the bridal bouquet almost directly drops into Addison's hands.

Mark smirks.

Maybe it's fate that made Addie catch it or Lexie got a really good aim, but whatever it is, he knows that even after all those years apart, Derek and Addison are far from over.

* * *

**G**ift

-_It's not expansive, but it's the best gift he could give her. -_

__Date a Forbes-Montgomery and you'll be lost on what to get her for Christmas, Derek thought, looking at some necklaces from Tiffany's.  
Maybe one of those. Nah – Addison already had so many of them.

He glanced back, into the direction of the Burberry boutique.

She loved Burberry shoes and he could buy her a pair – but seriously, Addison had enough shoes for several lifetimes (even if she didn't think so). Besides, he wanted to do something special for her.

That was when he saw the key service out of his peripheral vision.

And suddenly, it hit him.

He just had to convince Mark that it was the perfect idea.

When Addison opened her locker a few days later, she found an envelope inside.

Peaking into it, she saw a photo of her and Derek being sprawled out on the couch in his apartment, fast asleep.

There was also a key and a note which said: _Why not make it official?_

Indeed, why not?

She was basically living with Derek and Mark anyway.

Addison smiled and slit the key into her pocket.

So he didn't get her something expansive, but she wouldn't want him to.

He had given her something worth all the money in this world – a key not only to his apartment, but also to his life.

He wanted her in it, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

Permanently.

* * *

**G**rateful

_- Looking back, she's grateful that they had so many years together even if it wasn't always wonderful. -_

_"Had his mitral valve gotten too thick?"_

Addison slightly blushes when she hears the familiar lyrics from their friends and shakes her head.

"Oh God."

Derek sinks deeper into his chair, probably just as embarrassed as she is and says: "Shut up."

"_Is that what made our cadaver so sick?"_

It's been years and their friends still remember the song perfectly.

Well, almost:

"But we can't remember the chorus.", Naomi states and Sam says: "All we remember is the second verse. Now your name – I think it starts the chorus."

"Yes!", Naomi chimes in, all excited.

"Your name."

And for old time's sake and because there's no way she can get out of this and, well, she's just so happy, she sings:

"_Addison Montgomery-_

_he met her in the summery."_

Now Derek smiles but shakes his head and says:

"What a summery? No, it wasn't a summery. _I met her in the summer, she._"  
"Oh, summer, she!", Addison laughs, "Really?"

"Yeah!", he laughs as well.

"_She was... cutting up a very dead body!"_, Nae, Mark and Sam continue singing.

"This is why we don't stay in touch!", Derek throws in, but the three just happily keep singing:

"_And in her eyes I saw my life_

_I knew that she would be my wife._

_And she would breathe the life back into me_

_From everyday until eternity."_

She sees the look in his eyes, a sad one.

He hadn't kept his promises – but neither did she.

And maybe it should hurt reminiscing over a wedding and a life long gone, but strangely it doesn't.

Not in that way. Of course, there will always be an ache and so many what if's, but thinking about all those years they had...

She's grateful they had them at all.

So, so grateful that they had their chance.

And so Addison smiles.

* * *

**G**one

_-You never know what you had until it's gone. - _

__It seems as if the hospital has gotten quieter without her.

He thought he would like the quietness; he thought he wouldn't miss her shrieking about everything and nothing.

Oh, how wrong he had been.

Because one week after Addison had left, Derek found himself in her ward, watching her replacement.

The replacement didn't fit here, but then again, no one would ever fit here except for Addison Adrienne Forbes-Montgomery, the one woman who had loved him with everything she had.

The one he had driven away.

And in the weeks laying ahead of him, he'll find himself visiting every place she used to grace with her presence, missing her more every day, just wanting to turn back time and never letting her go.

* * *

**G**lamorous

– "_She's McHot"_ (Alex Karev)-

The male residents still call her McHot whenever she is visiting.

And when arrives at Richard's retirement party, clad from head to toe in a black Prada dress, the red hair flowing over her back in soft waves, the nickname is uttered more than once, alerting him to her presence before he has even seen her.

From the nurses, whom he happens to hear chatter when he goes over to Richard, he hears she has been dubbed "McGlamorous".

Yeah, glamorous Addison certainly is. If she wants to, she can turn heads (always managed it with his) and light up a whole room.

Tonight though, he learns that everybody at the reception is very wrong – she's not only hot or glamorous or breathtakingly beautiful.

McGorgegous, that's the nickname _he_ would give her if he were still allowed to call her anything besides Addie or Addison.

McEvil, because the way she (accidentally?) invades his personal space, when they meet up at the buffet, would drive the man with the best intentions crazy.

* * *

**G**randparents

_-The only way to survive her parents is breathing and drinking and since Addison can't drink_, _she'll just focus in the breathing-part, hoping it'll help. -_

__"I can't believe I agreed on inviting my parents.", Addison sighs and lets Derek take their little son from her. "Remind me why I did that again?"

"Because you were being nice when they asked if they could drop by some time soon to see this little guy before he's all grown up.", Derek replies, making funny faces for his son.

"Definitely not one of my brightest moments. Well. At least you won't remember it, huh, Christopher?", she caresses the baby's cheek. "So maybe they don't manage to traumatize you this soon."

"Don't listen to your mother, Chris. Bizzy and the Captain aren't that bad. They're nice, albeit rather WASPy most of the time. But tell you what? You'll win them over with that charm of yours before they even know it.", he places the baby in the crib and hugs Addison to him.

Leaning his forehead against hers, he says: "Hey. We are all going to survive this, okay?"

"But they'll say something about... Mark. And Meredith."

"So let them. We worked through that already. Whatever they do, focus on breathing and remember that I love you, Addie Shepherd."

The door bell rings and Addison briefly closes her eyes. "So let's get this show on the road. Too bad I can't drink yet.", she says, when Derek lets go of her so she can go greet her parents.

It takes five minutes for Addison to discover that the breathing-part doesn't work without alcohol.

She excuses herself and retreats into the kitchen to at least fix drinks for everyone else and to escape her mother – only that doesn't work, because Bizzy follows her, volunteering to help.

Which, as Addison knows, is the code for picking at her life.

"So by the looks of your child I assume you took care of the whole Mark-Sloan-Situation."

And here it comes. But Addison has been brought up to play that game as well.

"You assume correctly.", she says, "And that's all I'm going to say about it, because Derek and I are finally in a good place."

Bizzy smiles a bit. "That is good news. And Addison? Christopher is lucky to have you and Derek as his parents."

Well, that... comes unexpected. Addison is a little taken aback, but eventually smiles as well.

"Come on, then.", she says, "Let's meet your grandson properly."

Everything is going well – that is until the door bell rings again.

It comes a bit surprising, as the Shepherds are not expecting anyone and definitely not the person standing in front of their door.

"Carolyn?", Addison asks, once she has opened the door.

"Hello, Addison.", her mother-in-law says, smiling sweetly.

"Mother?", Derek, who comes up behind his wife, says. "What are you doing here?"

"Well, I am on a vacation and I thought since you two won't come to New York for a while, I'd step by. I didn't come at a bad time, did I?"

"No, of course not. Come on in.", Addison says, now wishing reeeeally badly for a drink, because facing both their mother dragons on one day? Not a good idea.

But what's even worse is that Derek's pager suddenly goes off.

Oh, no. No, no, no. He's not going to leave her alone in this.

She grabs his hand before he can look at it and says dead serious: "Don't you even think about answering that page."

(He doesn't, of course, because he can hear the threat in her words and he's sure she'd kill him if he were to leave now.)

* * *

**G**ood luck

_-"Good luck tonight.", Addison says and kisses him good bye.-_

__"She makes you happy, doesn't she?", Addison asks when Derek joins her in the gallery and nods at Meredith who's assisting Bailey in the OR.

"Yes, she does."

"Happier than I did?"

He sighs. She seriously knows to ask complicated questions.

"No... You and me, Addie, we just had a different way of happiness. But it was happiness nonetheless."

She thinks about that for a moment, before she says: "The way you look at her... you never looked at me like that."

"Sure did."

Addison laughs softly.

"Liar.", she says, "Still, thank you. Now. I have a flight to catch. But Derek, you are the best man I have ever known and I hope she's going to make you happy for the rest of your life, because you deserve it."

She leans in and kisses him on the cheek, a final good bye, before she stands up and says: "Good luck tonight. Oh, and... if you ever need someone to talk to... I'm just a phone call away, okay?"

* * *

**G**uitar

_- He hasn't laid hand on that thing in ages. -  
_Of course Derek has to find his old guitar on what would have been their wedding day.

He sits on the trailer's porch, strumming its strings, just playing some cords he remembers from a time where he and Mark wanted to become rock stars and taught themselves how to play a guitar.

Soon, the cords become the familiar melody of a song written years ago for a woman who had been his entire world once.

He starts singing the well-known lyrics, still off-key, and gets so lost in the song that he doesn't even realize that Mark emerges the trailer and catches it on tape.

In L.A., Addison sees the video and can't help but start crying.

* * *

**G**ucci

_- Derek has long since known that he's not her only love. -_

"Damn, Mark – Addie is going to kill me."

"_Whatever it is, she's not going to kill you."_, Mark reassures Derek over the phone.

"Believe me, she will. God, I'm so stupid."

"_Yeah, well. In my experience, women tend to stop trying to kill you when you give them the puppy eyes and apologize really hard. And get them something nice. The latter might actually work on Addison."_

"Ha – you are a genius!"

" _I do what I can."_

"Just – what shall I get her?"

He can basically see Mark rolling his eyes, as he answers: _"For someone wanting to become a brain surgeon you sometimes can be rather stupid. We always say Addison is having an affair with -?"_

"Gucci!"

"_And 100 points for the candidate. Now go – her plane is going to touch down in an hour."_

When Addison comes home, she finds Derek sitting on her front steps, balancing a wrapped package on his knees. After a long hello, he hands it to her and she unwraps -

"A Gucci purse? Okay, Derek – what did you do?"

"Can't I just get my girlfriend a present?"

"Sure, but look at you. Looking all guilty, waiting for me on my front steps and getting me a Gucci purse. What is it?"

"I... may have killed your plants."

"All of them?"

"...Yes. Did I mention I'm _really _bad with plants?"

Addison stares at him... and laughs.

"Hey – that's not funny!"

She continues laughing, but somehow manages to say: "It's just... I thought I... was the only one who... who's so bad with plants that... they die all the time."

She wraps an arm around his neck and grins.

"In that way, you and I match perfectly. And seriously, if I'm always getting something from Gucci instead of new plants when you killed them, I might let you take care of them more often."

* * *

**Author's Note: Now, you are welcome to leave some words, as well as story – suggestions. And if you want to have a special event of the life of Addek featured, then tell me as well. **


	8. H like

**Author's Note: This is going to be a two-parter, because I got so many words (thanks to _loveandlearn, AddisonandDerek, Guest _and_ AmyHale _by the way).**

* * *

**H**usband

_- People think she's crazy for trying to fight for a husband who has long since left her. -_

__When she enters a room now, people give her **that** look. The look that says 'Oh, you poor thing – will you be alright?'. She doesn't want their pity.

When she goes down the floor, she hears the whispering.

'Oh, look at her. People claim her to be brilliant and yet she's still fighting for a man who has long since fallen out of love with her. You know, I think she's crazy.'

Now that Addison has known for some time now, the being crazy thing.

Because she is. Crazy for Derek.

And that's exactly the reason that keeps her going every day. It makes her ignore the whispering and help her do what Montgomery's do best: Look the other way when it's none of their business.

Bless the WASPy upbringing.

It makes her hope that one day,this nightmare is over, that Derek will finally see what still is right in front of his eyes and come back.

* * *

******H**air(cut)**  
**_- "The hair, though..." (Addison Montgomery) - _

__"Have you seen Addison?", Derek asked Callie, who just happened to walk down the floor.

If somebody knew about his ex-wife's whereabouts, it would be her best friend in Seattle.

"She checked out early, today.", the claimed ortho-queen said, "Said she had a date with her hairdresser."

"She _what_?!"

"Oh, not _that_ sort of date.", Callie snorted, "God, no. The getting a new haircut and color kind of date."

He tried to picture Addie without her red curls and came up empty. And the truth was, he would like it to stay that way, because he still loved his ex-wife's hair just the way it was.

Derek turned around and sprinted down the floor to the attending's locker room, hoping to catch her before she left.

Apparently, luck was on his side today, because Addison was just changing back into her normal clothes.

"Addison, listen - "

She stopped tying her shoes and looked up at him, raising an eyebrow.

"So you finally stopped being childish and decided that we could act like the adults we are. Congratulations. But I need to go now."

"No, hear me out first. It won't take long."

She sighed and went back to tying her shoes.

"Spill it."

"Don't cut your hair."

"_What?_"

"You heard me. Don't cut it. In fact, don't do anything about it."

She jumped to her feet and took her handbag.

"Forgot what I said earlier. You just got even more childish."

She wanted to walk around him, but Derek effective positioned himself between her and the door, trapping her.

"Derek, seriously." She grew impatient.

"Don't change it."

Oh, for God's sake. She was not going to have a discussion about her hair with her ex-husband. Seriously not.

"Stop being such a girl. What does it bother you what I am doing with it, anyway?"

"Because anything besides this", he pointed at her curls, "It wouldn't be you, Addie. And if you were to cut it, I couldn't do this."

He suddenly lunged forwards, pressing his lips onto hers; his hands reaching up, burying themselves in her hair.

For a moment she stood frozen, but finally gave in and melted into him.

When they parted after what felt like an eternity, he leaned his forehead against hers and whispered, panting: "And I'd like to do that every so often, if you don't mind."

Of course, she didn't.

And of course, when she came in the next day, her hair was as long and curly as ever.

But she dyed it, just to piss him off a little.

* * *

**H**eels

_- They are her secret weapon. - _

_****_Addison has long since learned that heels are the woman's secret weapon.

She has a hard job for instance, and it would be easier to just wear flats, but where is the fun in that? Especially when the new colleague, some guy from Boston who clearly is a chauvinist, underestimates her.

"Listen, Dr. Cline.", she says, towering over him in her heels, "You screwed up. And right now I am the only one who can save this woman, so shut up and let me do my job."

He shrinks under her glare and almost flees from the OR.

From her interns point of view, the heels are a warning system.

Sharp clicks on the floor mean Satan is on her way, and she's pissed off. So, run as long as you still can.

Softer clicks on the other hand mean Dr. Montgomery is having a good day and maybe, maybe there is an op waiting for you.

Derek, though, has learned to have respect for the heels at the same time as Addison has discovered that heels are not only a fashion weapon.

You can also throw them rather well.

And you can throw them rather well at husbands, when all the screaming doesn't cut it. _**  
**_

* * *

**H**eirloom

_- There isn't anything he can do but be there.- _

It's Amelia who calls and tells him about Bizzy's death, giving him a not so subtle hint to go see Addison in Connecticut. And so he takes the first flight out of Seattle.

The Addison who opens the door when he arrives at her parents' house is... strange, to say the least. Cold and detached, almost robot-like, a fake-smile plastered on her lips.

She's scary like this. Her whole attitude towards him says 'leave me alone', but he won't, he has already let her down too many times and he's determined to help her this time.

So when she excuses herself after dinner (which consisted of more drinking than eating), he follows.

She leads him into her old room, where cartons stand all over the place.

Addison stops and looks down at them, while Derek stays behind, watching her from the door.

After a long, long time, Addie says: "I really don't know what I shall do with this stuff. You know, Archie doesn't care about it and Bizzy divorced the Captain so she could marry Susan and I don't think he wants to keep it. Which leaves me. And I really don't know what I shall do, Derek!"

He senses that this is not about the heirloom. This is Addison, breaking down.

And there is nothing he can do but be there.

So he steps forward and hugs her close to him.

"Give it to a charity. Bizzy would have wanted that."

Derek doesn't leave Addison's side for the remaining night. Around midnight, they crawl into her childhood bed, just like they used to when they were married and came to visit, and she lays her head on his chest to listen to his heartbeat.

"She committed suicide.", Addison says eventually, "Because Susan died. I was the one who found her."

And finally, finally, Addison cries. She won't stop for a very long time.

* * *

**H**istory

_- Apparently, history __**does**__ repeat itself.-_

__And again, everything starts with a different city.

A different bar.

The same old story, repeating itself.

The same woman, who makes her way over.

Yes, fate is pointing and laughing at Derek Shepherd.

"Out of all the bars in L.A., and you walk into the one where I'm trying to get drunk."

"To my defense, I didn't know you'd be in town.", Addison says, hugging him.

"So what made you come to the City of Angels?"

It's the question to an answer he doesn't want to give. However, he remembers that Addison is a good listener. And she ought to know him inside out; still does. So he says:

"Meredith. She cheated on me."

Addison spits out the sip she took from his drink. "She – _seriously?!_ **Meredith Grey**?!"

She can't believe it. Meredith Grey cheating on Derek after the hell of a fight she put up to be with him. Addison leans over and hugs Derek again.

"I'm sorry to hear this."

"No, you're not. You've never liked Meredith in the first place."

"Yeah, well. Still, I'm sorry for _you_. She though... She stole my husband."

"A husband on whom you cheated...", he laughs, but its cynical, "I seem to attract that kind of women. No offense."

"None taken. You know, I think you're just too good for this world, which seems to attract girls like Meredith and me. Broken, dark and twisted,with issues every shrink would love to treat. And you, with that good heart of yours, try to make it better, always being the one who ends up being hurt."

He lays his head on her shoulder and considers her words for a moment.

"Maybe you're right."

"Yeah. Now, let's take your mind off of this, shall we? Bartender – two of those please.", she says and points at whatever Derek's having.

Of course, knowing the tale of Derek Shepherd and the girl in the bar...

Well, let's just say this story doesn't end with another round of drinks.

* * *

**H**appy

_- Such a little word and yet it means so much. -_

"Are you happy?", Violet asks out of the blue.

Addison looks up from the chart she has been studying and eyes her new colleague. Violet's a shrink and even though Addie respects that profession, she's slightly suspicious and asks:

"Is that an attempt of shrinking me?"

"No.", the other woman says, "Just a simple question. So, are you happy here?"

Addison leans back in her chair, looking at Violet and not looking at her at all.

Thinking of beautiful days long forgotten, walks through Central Park when fall began; of JuJu and kisses in the dark, arms holding her tight, giggles in the night and whispered I love yous...

Comparing all those memories of happiness to her everyday life in the City of Angels – waking up to the sound of the waves, working normal hours with people she likes, enjoying life and ignoring the heart that still hurts for the lost love.

It's alright, this life, she supposes, even though it's not what it could have been.

"I'm fine, I guess, but really, truly happy is something I haven't been in a very long time."

* * *

**H**oneymoon

_- The first one was cut rather short. - _

__Derek was looking for some old notes, but instead of finding them, he stumbled across pictures taken on their honeymoon, laying loosely around in his drawer.

Oh, he remembered those two weeks as if they had only returned yesterday.

He could still see them walking hand in hand along the Seine and Addison striking ridiculous poses in front of the Eiffel Tower. Back then, they had been so carefree, just living for the moment; two young residents so madly in love. In Paris, it had felt as if time had stopped.

Their worries had been far away, well, until the hospital had called, demanding that they'd come back immediately.

In 1994, the crisis the hospital had had seemed to be the most important thing in the world – or at least important enough to cut their honeymoon short – but now, he didn't even remember it.

He only remembered promising Addie that one day, they would continue their honeymoon.

Looking at her, laying on the couch just mere feet away and researching something for the fellowship she just got, he decided that now was a good time too fulfill said promise. Or well, at least as much as she would him, because Addison certainly wouldn't agree on being whisked away when they had only started making a name for themselves.

Instead, he turned the CD player on and soon, Edith Piaf started singing, causing Addison to look up. She smiled, remembering all the times they used to dance in Paris. He extended his hand and she followed the unspoken invitation.

"Care to relive a bit more of Paris?", he asked, once the song had ended.

"Whisk me away.", she murmured and he picked her up bridal style, making her laugh in surprise.

* * *

**H**onest

_- "The end's beginning." ('Shattered', Trading Yesterday)- _

__If he were to stop and just look at what he's doing; at what he has become (a workaholic, avoiding home), then maybe he would see that something has gone wrong long ago. But Derek lives in blissful ignorance.

If Addison were to speak up and just tell him that she could basically see their end beginning, then they probably could prevent it from happening. But being a Montgomery, she has long since learned the art of keeping her eyes shut.

It's easier that way, really, and so they continue living their everyday-life.

He doesn't tell her that he's falling out of love.

She doesn't tell him that she's sleeping with Mark.

Because being honest hurts and not in a good way.

* * *

**H**oney

_- There was only one person in the world allowed to call him 'Honey'. - _

__Meredith once tried the pet name-thing. She called him "Honey", and that was probably the worst mistake ever, as his only reaction was to tell her to not call him that. (Or any nickname, which was fine with her, as she wasn't the pet name-type anyway.)

Because that nickname had only ever been used by Addison and now it seemed to belong to her, as it sounded so wrong coming from every other woman.

Maybe it was also because that endearment had history between the two of them.

Back in med school, when they had been "just friends", Addison – knowing full well that he wasn't a big fan of nicknames – made it somehow part of their bantering.

Later, when their relationship started changing, so did the word. Now, it wasn't something being teasingly shouted through half the university, instead it was whispered lovingly into his ear.

Which was why he hated it by the time they fell apart, because it always reminded him of their good times and remembering hurt.

Eventually, the hurt became a dull ache, just in time, because he could hear the faint clicking of heels on the hospital floor and looked up.

He stared at her, clad in black, her hair as red as ever.

She tilted her head a bit and winked at him as if to say : "Hi Honey, I'm back."

* * *

**H**ormones

_- "Your wife is hiding in a supply closet." - _

"No, seriously?"

"Yeah!", Mark laughed, "And Derek, you should've seen the husband – all..."

The presence of Dr. Bailey, regarding them with her typical Bailey-stare made the two surgeons stop instantly.

"Uhm, hello Dr. Bailey.", Derek said, shriveling under her glare.

"Your wife is hiding in a supply closet. Crying. Again. What did you two morons do now?"

"Hey, what do I have to do with this?", Mark asked.

Bailey only gave him the stare.

"... Right. But in this case, I swear it's Derek's fault."

"Thanks a lot, man.", Derek sighed. "Where is she?"

He found her exactly where Bailey said she would be: Hiding in a supply closet between suture kits and blankets, crying.

He sat down next to Addison and laid his arm around her.

"I hate this, Derek. Hate, hate. Whenever … whenever someone does something sweet for me, I... I become a fountain or... whatever... And I just... just can't stop crying! Stop it!", she said and hit him on the arm.

"Oww, what was that for?", he rubbed the spot.

"It's your fault! _You_ knocked me up, remember?"

Ah, well, so it was just Addison's crazy hormones talking again.

"_With_ your permission.", he said and kissed her on the cheek, before he reached into the pocket of his coat and let a chocolate bar dangle in front of her eyes. "Here. Thought you might want that."

Underneath her tears, Addison smiled. "That's exactly why I keep you around."

"And here I thought you loved me. But anyway – you might want to tell Bailey about the baby if you want me to stay alive long enough to bring you chocolate for the next few months. Because otherwise she's going to have my head the next time she sees you crying."

* * *

**H**ypnotized

_- She can't do anything but look.-_

__The first thing Addison Montgomery notices about her lab partner are his eyes.

So deep and beautiful. They're blue, but not ordinary blue – they're sea blue or indigo, it depends on the light. Those eyes are hypnotizing, and suddenly all Addison wants is to stare into them for the rest of the day to learn about every shade of blue they might show.

Yes, she has already fallen into the endless blue, has already fallen for Derek Shepherd, and it should scare her how easy it is – but strangely, it doesn't. Instead it feels alright.

* * *

**So... thoughts?**


	9. Part 2

**Author's Note: Took me longer than I thought, but anyway, here comes the second part.  
**

* * *

**H**ugs

_-Sometimes it's the only way to express their feelings.-_

Meredith softly lays her hand on her husband's shoulder and says: "Addison is here."

Derek just nods, not able to say anything as there are no words anyway to describe what he's feeling.

He can make her out in the hospital's hustle and bustle from afar, thanks to the yellow dress.

She reaches out to him, tears springing to her eyes, again, and he rushes forward, hugging her tight.

Derek can feel her tears falling onto his skin as she hides her face. He just holds her closer, holds her together, understanding her in a way that no one else possibly could.

Because he's not the only one who lost a dear old friend today.

And Meredith watches them from the nurses' station, probably for the first time without that little jab of jealousy to her heart. She sees the ex-couple's silent way of communicating, of offering the comfort both of them can only get from each other, as they mourn the loss of their best friend.

* * *

**H**elp

_- She holds her hand out, a silent offer.-_

Derek leans against the door frame, staring into the waiting area, when Addison comes up behind him. Mark already told her about Derek's patient.

He tries not to show how much this death affects him, but she can see through the facade.

Losing a patient never gets easier, but the first one is still the hardest, Addison knows that from experience.

"You see that woman over there – the one with the white scarf? She's his wife. And I've been dreading her for hours.", he spins around and stares into Addison's emerald eyes.

"How can I walk up to her and tell her that her husband has been dead for hours? How do I break those news to someone?"

"By telling the truth – that you did everything you could but it wasn't enough. By letting them feel that it matters to you. By not dreading them." Addison holds her hand out to him, a silent offer of help. He gladly takes it, reassured that whatever it is, she'll be there, and together they step into the waiting area.

* * *

**H**urt  
- "_You lost the love I loved the most." _('Jar of hearts, Christina Perry)_ - _

Addison finds the panties by mere accident.

It has long since become a habit to go through every pocket of every clothing Derek wears before washing, because he tends to forget keys or cash inside them.

When her fingers brush against the lace, she instinctively knows, but she needs to know for _real_.

So this is how Addison ends up sitting on their bed in the trailer, staring at some panties _which are so not hers._

Absentmindedly, she registers something inside her break and shatter into a million pieces.

Must've been her heart.

She has always wondered how much it could take and know she's found out and it _hurts._

Hurts almost physically and all she wants is to curl up in the bed she's sitting on, until this whole freak show her life has turned into, stops.

But she doesn't, because this, she realizes, won't stop.

So Addison sits and stares, until she brings herself to put the offending panties in the washing machine.

That's also when she has found out how to react.

She'll leave, plain and simple.

Packing doesn't take long, as she has never really moved in. When the panties are done, so is she.

The only thing which indicates that Addison Shepherd has lived here at all are the divorce papers left on the kitchen table and a note stuck upon them:

_Derek – now I know that, if you had loved me, you would've signed them all those months ago._

_Why couldn't you?_

* * *

**H**ospital **  
-**_** "**__The hospital was my church, my school, my home; the hospital was my safe place, my sanctuary. I love it here. "_ (Meredith Grey)-

For most people, the hospital was a scary place; a place where bad things happened.

But Addison thought otherwise. In this very halls, she felt safe and secure.

And in a way, Mount Sinai had become a home to her, more than the apartment she and Derek shared.

Every day, it thaught her, that mircales could happen, medical ones as well as personal ones:

"Montgomery – ever flown solo before?"

Addison looked up from the scans she had just been reading out loud to her superviser of the day, Dr. Daniels.

"No, sir – I'm just an intern."

"Good one, I hear. And we are crowed. Anyway, this is an easy procedure. I think you will manage.

Come on."

She followed him down the floor, when suddenly -

"Addie, Addie – wait!"

Derek came running after her. Excusing herself from Daniels, she met him halfway.

"Addie, I need to ask you something." he said, taking her hands into his.

"Can't it wait? I'm kind of -"

"Actually, it can't. And I've been meaning to ask you for a while now.

But there was never a good opportunity. Today, though, I got reminded how valuble every second with the person you love is. And that if you can, hold onto them. I want to hold onto you. Forever. So, Addison Adrienne Forbes Montgomery... marry me?"

She stared at him, processing. Trying to make sense of the words. Failing.

"Just to get this straight.", she breathed, "You come running after me, just before I am to fly solo on what's like the busiest day of the year and people are dying around us... and you propose to me in the middle of the hospital?"

"Yes. So?"

"I'm still trying to process, just – let me think, okay?" She lowered her gaze, looking down at their hands.

"Montgomery, are you coming or what?", Daniels roared from behind her.

Slowly, Addison lifted their clasped hands and kissed Derek's knuckles.

Loud enough for everyone to hear, she said: "Yes, of course.", all the while focused on Derek.

* * *

**H**otDog – Thanksgiving

_- "Your mother breaks her wrist, so the day before Thanksgiving you invite thirty-four people over to our house, without asking me, knowing I've never cooked a turkey in my life, your sister gets salmonella, and your mother, who never liked me, accuses me of trying to kill everyone, and then you, haha, make hotdogs, and you're the hero." _(Addison Montgomery)-

_"__**Derek.**__"_

Uh, oh. He knows that voice of hers. It indicates that he has done something terribly wrong and his lovely wife will kill him the minute she gets her hands onto him. Thank God he's at the hospital, a few miles away from home.

"_When exactly did you plan on telling me that we are playing hosts for 34 people on Thanksgiving?!"_

Oh, that. Well... he'd sort of hoped no one would talk to her before he got the chance to explain.

"Addie, please. Listen, I know you're mad."

"_Mad doesn't even begin to cut it."_

"I meant to tell you, I really did, yesterday, but then my patient coded and I had to operate for 7 hours straight... and that's not a good excuse, is it?"

"_No."_

"Thought so. Anyway, my mother - "

"_- broke her wrist, I know. I just had a very interesting conversation with her. Now, get your ass over here and help me make a turkey, because Mister, I've never cooked a turkey in my life. I don't think I can cook, for the matter."_

His pager goes off. God, she'll hate him for this and he probably has to apologize for the rest of his life, but - "I'm so, so sorry, Addie, but my patient just coded, again – Hello?"

She has cut him off. Oh, she must be really furious (which he completely understands) if she just hangs up on him. Dear lord, he hopes she has calmed down by the time they're going to have dinner.

After the worst Thanksgiving-Dinner ever, which later will only be known as 'The HotDog-Thanksgiving' (yeah,that's right, with capital letters and air-quotes), he learns that her calming down had been very wishful thinking. He also knows now that the phrase "One day we're going to laugh about this.", isn't really comforting when one got accused by the husband's mother of trying to kill everyone after said husband's sister got salmonella, because it made Addison not only kick him out of their bed room but also giving him the silent treatment.

* * *

**H**ell

_-In short: Being an intern is hell. - _

_**Hour 1:**_

There are many things to learn when you are an intern, but to survive the very first day you basically have to remember five rules.

And NOT break them.

But Mark being Mark managed to break the first rule basically the second he met his resident, by trying to flirt with her.

_(Rule 1: Don't bother sucking up, I already hate you, that's not gonna change.)  
_His only satisfaction would be, that said resident (along with most of the female stuff) fancied him at the end of the year. But he didn't know that when she turned him down that day.

_**Hour 5:**_

"Montgomery, drop that and come on.", her resident said, causing Addison to abandon her sandwich immediately, knowing that as soon as she has turned around, it would vanish into Derek's mouth. Well, she would mourn her loss later. And probably steal her fiance's food.

Because now it was important to act on _Rule 5: When I move, you move._

_**Hour 17:**_

"Derek, I think we should page -"

"Dr. Smith is _sleeping_, Addie. Remember _Rule 3_?

"_If I'm sleeping, don't wake me unless your patient is actually dying."  
_"Well, is he?"

"He's _blue_, Derek! I'll get Dr. Smith now."

"Good news is: You two only managed to break Rule 4 partly.", Dr. Smith said, taking one last look at the not longer blue patient. "Even though I think you could've managed on your own, he's not dead. And that's something. Now if you don't mind, I 'll go back to sleeping."

_(Rule 4: The dying patient better not be dead when I get there. Not only will you have killed someone, you would've woken me for no good reason.)_

_**Hour 24:**_

"Who hates their jobs already?", Mark asked as he sat down between Addison and Derek, raising his hand. Both of his friend's hands shot up.

"Anyone else no idea what they're doing?", Addison looked at both her boys, seeing them nod. "Yeah, me too."

That was when their pagers went off, making all of them groan but jump to their feet anyway, because:

_Rule 2: Nurses will page you. You answer every page at a run. A run!  
_And thus, their next 24 hours in intern-hell began.

* * *

**H**ero

_- Fact is: Addison and nature don't work very well together. - _

Being woken by a piercing scream is... certainly not the best way to start a day.

Still drowsy, he stumbles out of bed and over to Addison, who's slowly backing away from their shower, staring in what he assumes absolute horror at something.

"What is it, Addie?"

"It's big, ugly, hairy and _it's going to bite me!_", she says and all but jumps behind him, using him as a human shield against the monster in their shower.

"I don't see anything.", Derek rubs his eyes.

"There!", over his shoulder she points at a crawling creature, "And now it's moving! God, this is exactly why I _hate _living in the woods! Derek, _make it go away_!"

Derek looks at his wife and then at the spider inspecting their shower... and laughs.

He remembers mocking her for her fear of such a tiny thing (even though she insisted she just really, really didn't like spiders), when she cut people open for a living.

"Ha, ha, very funny.", Addison huffs.

"It really is.", he says and bends down to pick up the spider. "Come on, little one, lets get you back out."

When he returns, Addison smiles and throws her arms around him. "My hero.", she says, kissing him.

"For you, always.", he replies, playing with the hem of her shirt. "Now, since our shower is a spider-free zone again, I think we should make use of it, don't you?"

* * *

**H**eartbeat

_- It's her most favorite noise in the world. - _

She's been sitting with him for hours now, her eyes never leaving the monitor. Because Addison fears that once she closes them, his heart will just... stop.

So she fights sleep desperately, until... until she just can't anymore.

A second, only for second, a minute perhaps, to close her eyes.

It's not like his heart is going to stop just because she isn't watching over him.

One minute, only one minute...

**Beep. Beep. Beeeeeeeep...**

Immediately, she's on her feet, eyes glued to the flat line telling her that he...

No, it can't be. Not him, no, he can't die because of Gary Clark's bullet.

Addison stumbles forward, to his side and -

- falls face forward onto her carpet.

Breathing heavily, she thinks she has never more enjoyed falling out of bed for she is in L.A. and Derek dying over and over again in her dreams are just nightmares.

Still, nightmares which could have been real about six months ago, when she **did** sit at his side, watching over him like a hawk, fearing that every breath he took was his last.

But he's here, with her, alive. When she stands up, she can see him laying in her bed, breathing and warm. He turns around in his sleep, his hand unconsciously searching for her, prompting her to go back to bed. She snuggles up to him, tracing the scar with delicate fingers. Cristina did good there.

At last, Addison lays her head upon his chest, letting his still beating heart sooth her back to sleep.

* * *

**H**eaven **  
**_- It feels like falling. - _

She's been on a free fall for so long now, that crashing down can nothing but hurt.

And the day she crashes is of course Valentines Day. She'd find it ironic, except it's not.

All she wants is for this day to end, but it has only just started and she's stuck with people acting like lovesick teenagers for another 14 hours.

Wherever she looks are couples, and while she's perfectly okay with being single again most of the time, today she's not.

Not when her ex-husband and his mistress-turned-girlfriend are only a few feet away.

Seeing them being happy and in love hurts, for Addison remembers how it feels to be on cloud nine.

It was a heaven she got thrown out of.

* * *

**H**uman

-_"I'm only human"_('Flowers for a ghost', Thriving Ivory)-

When she called it, Addison looked up for a mere second but it was enough for him to see something break inside her. Everyone knew that the procedure was difficult and that even Addison could lose the baby. Still, it came unexpected, because death always did, and then there was nothing to be done. Of course, that didn't stop Addison to put up one hell of a fight she would lose eventually, because she was only human after all. People tended to forget that, as Addison was the master of false smiles and bottling her feelings up. In the time it took her to get out of the OR, he realized that even he had unintentionally been fooled. There had been a time when he could see right through her facade, but since Mark...

He had never bothered to.

Derek bolted out of the gallery and into the scrub room.

There she stood, hands resting upon the sink, staring through the window at the baby's lifeless form.

"Not now, Derek.", she said, never once looking at him.

Ignoring her words, he grabbed her hand. "Leave me alone!"she tried to swat him away, but he had always been stronger than her and managed to turn her around so she was looking at him.

She was crying and he hugged her close, not caring about her rather ineffectual fists which came down upon his chest again and again.

"I won't leave you, Addie."

At last, she stopped resisting him. Instead, she hugged him back.

"I should have been able to save that baby. I've had had cases worse than this. Why couldn't I?"

"You're not God, Addie, you're... only human. Sometimes, I suppose, we're just bound to misjudge and fail."


	10. I like

**I**ntern

_-Interns are always trouble. On that they agree. -_

"...Addie? Are you even listening? 'Cause you have got that far away gaze again."

Her eyes focus on her ex-husband, sitting with her on Joe's bar. Since when...? Well, it doesn't matter. Derek's just one more guy on the list of guys she wishes she could just forget.

She wants to open her mouth and tell him that yes, she was listening and now she needed to go, but somehow she ends up saying: "Interns are always trouble."

"I'm sorry?"

Addison sighs. "You're not the only one around here having problems with your intern, and before you ask again, no, I wasn't listening to whatever it was you were saying but it was definitely something about Meredith. Because I don't care about your problems with your perfect twelve year old. I've got my own, thank you very much."

It shuts him up for a while, but eventually he asks: "Is this about Mark and that weird bet you two had going on?"

Addison groans. When even Derek knew about that one...

"No. It's not about Mark. Or the bet."

"Then what's this about?"

"Trust me, you really don't want to know."

He keeps looking at her with those eyes that seem to see directly into her soul. How is she supposed to fight that?

"Fine. I slept with Alex Karev. And when I invited him over to my hotel room he said I wasn't his girlfriend, which is right of course but still, it... hurts.",a forced laugh escaped her lips, "See? Told you, you didn't want to know."

To her surprise, Derek shakes his head. "I did, otherwise I wouldn't have asked, would I? Addie, we may be divorced...but you were part of my life for so long. You're still important to me. You always will be. Now, about Karev... seriously, _Karev, _Addie?"

She shrugs.

"Anyway. As he's with me tomorrow... you want me to give him all the loathsome work, for being such an idiot towards you?"

Addison doesn't say anything. She just looks at the one guy she wishes she could still have and smiles.

* * *

**I**ntoxicating

- _"Better shout your mouth and hold your breath; you kiss me now, you catch your death."_("My Skin", Natalie Merchant) -

There is a poison for every man and it seems as if he has found his'. It doesn't have a big sign saying 'beware, danger' or 'might kill you' because 'it' is a she. They really should have warned him. Should have told him that she was a heart breaker. But he probably wouldn't have listened anyway. Because the very first thing one needs to know about Addison Adrienne Forbes-Montgomery is that she is intoxicating. The smell of her shampoo, the way her hair brushes against his cheeks whenever she leans in to whisper something into his ear during lectures. Soft as silk. Her skin against his, as they seem to constantly touch because she's always standing too close to him.

But in the end it's her smile which gets the better of him. That and her eyes, brimming of excitement, are what make him take the last step from a friend to a lover.

Years later, it'll be another smile breaking his defense. Not quite as bright, rather tugged into the corner of her lips. That half-smile and those emerald eyes, now looking knowingly at him.

Oh yes, she is his poison and he knows that his heart probably won't survive her another time, but how can he resist a poison as sweet and familiar as her kiss?

* * *

**I**nfinite

_- (ĭn'fə-nĭt), adj.: having no boundaries or limits -_

__"Addison, stop."

Limit is a word Mark Sloan knows off but seldom uses. There is simply no reason to. Boundaries are there to be tested and – when it comes to medicine – to be broken in order to achieve a greater goal. Same goes for life outside his work. The only limit he has known so far is Addison.

And Mark knows she the one limit he should value, because she is his best friend's _wife _for God's sake. But Derek is not here and hasn't been for a very long time and the way Addison looks at him... well, it's pushing limits he didn't know she lost and he had. Won't have any longer, if she keeps this up.

"Mark, I just want to..."

* * *

**I**ntimate

_-"I need you."-_

__Meredith knows that Addison and Derek have some sort of special bonding. She used to be jealous about that, because really – it's not easy to watch the love of your life being so familiar with a woman that isn't you. Oh, she knows Addison won't try to win him back – they're past that.

Still, it is a bit unnerving when Derek just drops everything he is doing because Addison needs a knight in shining... whatever. Today, though, that might actually be helpful.

Because vice versa, Addison is known to fly to Seattle without a second thought when Derek calls.

Sure, Meredith is not Derek and she is not even sure if the other woman will even answer.

After all, they're not exactly friends.

But this is for Derek, so... she presses 'call'.

Addison picks up immediatly:

_"This is Dr. Addison Montgomery speaking, hello?"_

Meredith, being midly surprised, swallows and says: "Uhm... hello, Addison. It's – Meredith. I'm calling because of Derek."

Concern creeps into Addisons voice: _"Is he okay?"_

"Yeah, he is fine. Sort of. You know about the plane crash, right? And that Callie had to operate him?"  
_"Yes. He told me everything went well."_

"It did. And it's time for him to come back to the hospital. The problem is, he won't see that. Keeps saying he's not ready, but we need him. And I tried telling him, but he's not listening, so I thought that maybe you could talk some sense into him. Because, you know, you were his wife and one of his best friends..."

_"It's not my place. Not anymore. You see, Derek and I, we were intimates in every sense of the word. We used to know everything about each other. We were best friends and lovers... and we haven't been that in a very long time. What I am trying to say here is – you and I, we've switched places. It's you who needs to coax him out of this. Just... be patient. And keep talking. And for what it's worth...tell him I'll come down and kick his ass all the way to the hospital, if he keeps brushing you off."_

* * *

**I**mage

_- Everyone envies their life, but no one knows what it means to be them. - _

"Have you seen Addison Shepherd? Oh, she is just _gorgeous, _and so intelligent, too. And that husband of hers? To _die _for. Oh, what a lovely couple. They're surgeons, you know, and from what I hear very successful – worldclass even."

Yes we are, Addison thinks when she hears their neighbor talking, successful that is. Everybody wants to be the next Shepherds. In the OR, we are skilled. We save lives when everyone else would have given up. And yet we seem not to be able to save ourselves. Because, have you noticed my husband to die for is late for your nice little party. Three hours late. It will take him another two to remember that he is supposed to be somewhere and then he will call and tell me how sorry he is but his reasons for missing yet another event are good. Oh and Addie, don't wait up. Another emergency just came in.

He is a good guy, caring about everything and everyone. But when I want him to care, I'm met with silence. There is always silence now. And loneliness. Do you know, he hasn't spent one night home in a week. Oh, I know how busy it can be. Somehow, I am always making the effort anyway. And then Derek calls and it is always the same game, ending with Mark coming over and...well. Let's just say Mark is a man-whore and cheating seems to be a genetic inheritance in my family.

Indeed, we are just a lovely couple, aren't we?

* * *

**I**ntense

_-The whole room is holding its breath.-_  
The first time they meet after the divorce and Addison's confession regarding Mark is, of course, the OR. The whole room seems to be holding its breath, waiting for the inevitable.

It just never comes.

Addison only nods, acknowledging: "Dr. Shepherd."

"Dr. Montgomery. It's a beautiful day to save lives, isn't it?"

Those are the only words that are uttered for hours.

And really, there is no need to say anything at all, because while the silence outside the OR destroyed them, inside it reunites them. Here they know what to do. Here it seems they can read each others thoughts. To the people watching them from the gallery it is simply fascinating.

But then there is blood where it just should not be, the mother is dying and the baby is under distress and they possibly can't save both and -

"Addison, step back."

"Give me two minutes."

"Addison. Stop. It."

"_Derek."_ He looks up, emerald green meets ice blue. And there they stand, starring at each other and holding their ground. But what no one can see from the gallery, is that Derek finds a conclusion in the emerald green eyes of his ex-wife. The only possibility.

He steps back.

* * *

**I**ntelligent

_- He's a brain surgeon. How can he be so brainless? (Meredith Grey) -_

"Bambi, hand the popcorn over. This is going to be good."

"Oh, shut it, Yang – you're not going to win the bet anyway. They've not even - "

"Uh, guys – guys, look!"

"Yeah, I _would, _Barbie if you'd stopped jumping – whoa, way to go McDreamy. I thought he'd be a bit more creative and would not use that old 'I need to get that file just in front of you' trick."

"C'mon Shepherd, don't give Yang the satisfaction of – YES!" "NO!" "I knew I could count on McHot."

"_Just _what do you think you're doing?!"

Slowly, George, Cristina, Alex and Izzie turned around, staring at Bailey like deers caught in the headlight.

"Uhm...", George stuttered, "We were just..."

"...betting on the Shepherds?"

"Well, sort of. Kinda. Yeah."

"The bets being...?"

Despite the murderous look Cristina sent his way and Izzie's foot on his toes, George said:  
"$ 50, that they end up in bed together this month. $ 70 that they kiss in front of everyone next month. $ 100, officially back together by the end of the year."

"Count me in. $ 120 that they haven't gotten through with the divorce by the end of the week. What? You think I'd miss an opportunity to win money that easy?", Bailey said, "Oh, and pass me that popcorn, O'Malley. Seriously, though, for two people as intelligent as they are, they can be quite stupid sometimes."

* * *

**I**maginary

_- Tell me sweet little lies. -_

__The looks are there, _most_ _definitely._

The glances Meredith sends into her husband's direction – far and few in between, always secretly, but yes, Addison sees it.

But Derek never seems to, so Addison convinces herself that _the looks are not there._

And no, they are not standing too close – Meredith is the intern and Derek is the attending; she's supposed to learn and he shall teach and sometimes... it involves standing close in order to save lives.

_But don't they just look a little guilty?_

Stop it, Addison scolds herself, what should they be guilty off? There are just friends.

Who had been together.

Despite the fact that one of them had been married.

But that was over, _they _were over.

Meredith and Derek are just friends.

_They are just friends._

* * *

**I**ronic

_- And again, she's caught between best friends and husbands. -_

In New York, Addison kissed her husband's best friend.

And everything went wrong.

In Los Angeles, several years later, she sees her best friend kissing her ex-husband.

She turns around and flees from the scene, unnoticed by Naomi – who wants but cannot forgive her best friend - and Sam – who was faithful to everyone but her. She doesn't go home, she checks into the nearest hotel and sinks down onto the floor, back resting against her room's door.

Everything went wrong again.

Because apparently, you don't kiss your best friend's husband.

* * *

**I**mpact

_-It only hits her when the door closes behind him. - _

The beautiful manor across the Central Park has been hit by many impacts that night. Some of them where the force of nature, while others... Well, the force of humanity.

And while Addison - standing in the rain and pleading with her husband to let her back in- is highly aware of every aspect certain forces of nature could have on her, she underestimates those of humanity. She thinks, for the tiniest of moments when he holds her close after letting her in, that there won't be a storm. But the clouds have been there in the last months. Still, it's only tonight that all hell breaks lose; tears matching the rain outside and yelling that can keep up with thunder.

The impact, though, the one that makes her realize what she just did, only comes when he slams the door shut and leaves New York forever.

* * *

**I**llness

_-"What a happy couple you were." - _

"Derek, Addie – I am _so_ glad you could make it. Come in, come in.", Adele Webber says, hugging them both, "Oh, you have to tell us all about your honeymoon!"

She walks off, no doubt to pour them some tea and Addison turns to her ex-chief and friend, arching an eyebrow: "Our honeymoon. Is that why Derek so suddenly needed to get over here as well?"

Sighing,Richard nods. "She had had a long clear moment when you agreed to come over, Addie. An hour ago, she started searching for your wedding album. To her, it is 1994 and the two of you just came back from your honeymoon."

"So, you want us to pretend we've only just gotten married for Adele.", Derek says.

"I know it's hard, but..."

"It's okay.", Addison softly interjects. The Webbers have been two of their oldest friends, and if it makes poor Adele happy to reminisce over hers and Derek's wedding, than she can do it.

Derek must have had the same train of thought, because he pats Richard's shoulder and says: "For Adele, we can do that.", before slinging an arm around Addison's waist and guiding her into the living room where Adele sits with an old album containing pictures of the Ex-Shepherds wedding, grinning like a child on Christmas morning when Addie and Derek sit down next to her and remember their early marriage.


End file.
